Have You Ever
by Ezika
Summary: New chapter added! C&M, a twist on the cheating scenario. Now finished.
1. chapter 1

Have You Ever?

This is dedicated to all the Courteneyians. Parts in italics are flashbacks, and I'm aware its confusing, and I apologise! The dates are as accurate as I can make them, but if they're wrong, they at least show whether it's the past or present. I don't own these characters or make money from writing fanfics. This fic was originally NC-17 rated, but because the plot is more important, I deleted the sex scenes. I hate that ff.net has decided not to host NC-17 anymore, if people don't like it, they don't have to read it. And the filtering means they're not gonna come up unless you want them to. So I've signed up at www.fandomination.net, where you will be able to read the entire thing, porn and all ;) just as soon as I upload it. And Ashlee's site still has the original version as well (www.geocities.com/ashleestar1)

Anyway, here's the edited version. Where its appropriate for the story I've summarised what happened in the deleted scenes in brackets. 

*2014*

Monica lay in bed staring up at the ceiling in the darkness. Her hands were clenched into fists and she was willing herself not to cry. The moans coming from the next room grew louder. Monica bit her lip. She could hear Chandler grunting and recognised he was close. The woman screamed as she came. Monica almost screamed too, but in hurt, anger, and frustration rather than passion and pleasure. She put her hands over her ears to try and block out Chandler's inevitable yell of release but she heard it anyway, and knew that he wanted her to hear. 

It wasn't until she heard Chandler's snores filtering through the wall that Monica relaxed enough to fall asleep. And even when she did, she tossed and turned in her sleep, as she had grown used to doing.

Monica was woken just before six am by the sound of Chandler and the woman having sex. Monica groaned and buried her face in the pillow. She always reacted worse in the morning when she was vulnerable. At least at nighttime she was anticipating it and could brace herself for it. Waking up to it first thing in the morning caught her off guard.

She allowed herself a few stifled sobs then forced herself back under control. She bit her lip and tried desperately to ignore them, but they became louder and louder, as if they were determined to stop her from avoiding hearing their pleasure. 

The woman who Chandler made love to in the next room was called Gemma. She was twenty years younger than Monica, with should length auburn hair that curled gently and grey eyes. She was the sister of one of the guys Chandler worked with. Monica supposed she was a nice enough person, but hated her for stealing Chandler. Ok, so things hadn't exactly been great between them for the last few years, but she had once still hoped they'd be able to somehow work through their problems. The minute he brought Gemma into her home, Monica knew working things out wasn't an option anymore, and it broke her heart. 

Gemma had no real idea of why the living arrangements were as complicated as they were. Monica herself wasn't sure she understood how they had got to the point they were at now. Things seemed to have spiraled out of her control. She wasn't even sure if Chandler was in control of the situation anymore.

The day passed quietly as usual. Mealtimes were always awkward; Monica and Gemma wouldn't speak, both Monica and 11-year-old Kimmy stared daggers at the newcomer. Eight-year-old Chris sat quietly, only talking to his mother and sisters. The only people who would speak to Gemma were Chandler and Holly, the baby of the family at five years old.

After dinner, Gemma went out to watch a movie with her friends. Once the kids were all in bed, Chandler and Monica were alone downstairs. She felt nervous, and hated herself for it; she and Chandler had known each other for twenty years, there was no reason for her to be nervous in his company. But she was.

She was just finishing drying the dishes when she felt Chandler's arms go around her from behind and his warm breath on her neck. She schooled herself not to tense and shy away from his touch.

"I want you Monica," he whispered. She closed her eyes and sighed inwardly. He thought that meant she wanted him too.

"Didn't you get enough from her?" Monica asked icily, pushing her way out of his arms. Chandler sighed and grabbed her again, pulling her to him so they were face to face.

"Mon-" he began, imploring her to…what? Forgive him? Understand him? Forget what he had been doing less than 24 hours ago? He scanned her face for some sign that she knew what he was trying to convey and found none.

Chandler kissed Monica's cheeks, forehead, nose, chin and eyelids, as softly and tenderly as he used to before everything went bad. She closed her eyes and, despite herself, enjoyed the shower of little kisses. When he found her mouth, she let him kiss her without giving it a second thought. His hands moved from her waist down to her butt as he pressed her tighter against him. Monica found herself twining her arms around his neck and keeping his lips pressed against hers. She kissed him back hungrily, angrily, jealously. It had been months since Chandler had felt so much passion from his wife, and it turned him on much more than her usual reluctant passive acceptance.

Monica had never expected when she got married that sex with Chandler would ever be a chore. But for the last few months, that exactly what it had been. But now as his erection pressed against her it felt like a promise, not a threat. She could have stayed there kissing him forever, it seemed so long since they'd kissed like this. But Chandler started work on the buttons of her blouse and she didn't stop him.

Chandler enjoyed sex with Gemma. He didn't just do it out of spite towards Monica, but spite was always an element he couldn't escape from when he was with Gemma. No woman could ever compare to Monica. Not even one who was as young as Gemma. Monica was just as beautiful now as the day he married her. Her breasts were slightly fuller since the birth of their children, but her stomach was still flat. The few pounds she had gained over the last few years were noticeable only to Chandler, and he thought they made her sexier than ever. 

(edited to fit R rating. Chandler wanted to have sex in the kitchen, Monica didn't. He almost raped her but changed his mind and persuaded her by making her want it as much as he did.)

He collapsed on top of her when he was finished and Monica didn't mind his weight crushing her to the cold hard kitchen floor. When their breathing had slowed down and their hearts had stopped racing, Chandler awkwardly moved off her. She almost wished he wouldn't. When he was buried inside her she could forget that he wasn't hers alone. The rest of the time the thought of her rival plagued her and refused to be shaken off.

"I love you," she said, pulling him back for a passionate, desperate kiss. When they moved apart again, Chandler smiled at her.

"Love you too," he answered. With Monica's gorgeous blue eyes looking up at him, begging him to choose her, to love her and her alone, he was ready to break it off with Gemma and make the effort to work on things with Monica. The trouble was there was no way for either of them to know whether the longing they felt now was real or if it was just because of the intensity of the sex they'd just had.

"We should probably-" Monica started, gesturing to the stairs. This time, Chandler agreed and helped her pick up all their clothes and go to Monica's bedroom.

When she heard Gemma come home and go up to bed, Monica made sure she and Chandler had sex again as loudly as possible. She wanted Gemma to know that just because Chandler had another woman in his life, he still loved Monica and they still had fantastic sex, better (she hoped) than any Chandler and Gemma shared. 

Chandler sort of sensed what Monica was doing. It was pretty obvious she was trying to make Gemma jealous, as he assumed Monica was when he was with Gemma. But with his beautiful wife pouncing on him to make love to him, he wasn't too bothered about her motivation. 

Monica fell asleep happy and contented in her husband's arms. Chandler breathed in the soft smell of her as she slept, before drifting off to sleep himself.

* * * * *

_*2003*_

_As far as Monica could see, everything had been fine right up until Kimmy was born. They'd been madly in love until then, and she supposed even after the baby, they were, they just had trouble showing it. With 2am feedings, Monica leaking milk everytime Chandler went near her nipples when they were having sex, and having another tiny person taking up all their time and energy all meant they had less and less time for each other. The gang helped out with babysitting when they could, but Ross and Rachel's daughter Emma was a year old, and they were back together and fully occupied with their own lives. Joey and Phoebe were as flakey as ever, but tried to help out both couples when they got the chance._

_Although they were both aware that things weren't as perfect as they had invisioned them, neither Chandler or Monica realised quite how bad they'd gotten until they spent 3 hours screaming insults and accusations at one another while Joey held a screaming Kimmy and tried to calm her and fight back his own tears. Chandler and Monica were oblivious to their friend and to their own daughter until Joey gave up, put Kimmy down in her crib and physically pushed Monica into the bedroom and Chandler out into the hallway. _

_As soon as she was alone, Monica was horrified at the way she'd acted. She couldn't believe she'd ignored Kimmy crying for so long, and her daughter's cries from outside the bedroom made her feel even worse. She was embarrased that Joey had seen them fight like that. But the worst thing was, she couldn't even remember why they'd started fighting in the first place. She was willing to bet it was something tiny and insignificant though. That's how most of their fights started, something little that became a reason for them to vent their pent up anger and frustration with each other._

_Chandler was at first angry with Joey for interfering, then he realised how long he and Monica had been yelling at each other without any real reason. Something about him not sterilising Kimmy's bottles properly, which had resulted in him calling her paranoid and obsessive and things seemed to have spiraled from there as they wandered away from the original problem and screamed at each other about all the things they'd kept quiet about for years, all the other one's habbits and quirks that could either be loveable or increadibly annoying. _

_Monica quietly left the bedroom to go see to her daughter. Joey glared at her when he saw her and Monica felt herself blush and couldn't meet his eyes. She took Kimmy from him. The poor thing had a soaking wet diaper and was hungry. Monica gave her a pacifier to calm her down so she could change her before she fed her, which helped a little. Ignoring Joey she changed Kimmy on the mat on the floor. The baby's screams subsided a little and Monica picked her up and started to feed her. She breastfed Kimmy most of the time, but pumped her breastmilk into bottles so Chandler could share the nighttime feedings and could look after Kimmy on his own when Monica was out on her own. _

_Joey still hadn't gotten used to seeing a woman breastfeeding, even after seeing two of his best friends doing it, and he looked away awkwardly. Chandler came in sheepishly. Joey looked up warily, in case Chandler and Monica started to fight again, but Chandler smiled gently to see his wife and daughter together._

_"Mon, I'm sorry, I don't know what's the matter with us," he said, walking slowly over to them._

_"I'm sorry too. I think we're both just tired and stressed and taking it out on each other," Monica said. Chandler nodded. Joey breathed a huge sigh of relief. _

_"You guys shouldn't fight when Kimmy's here," he reproached them. _

_"Sorry baby," Chandler said, kissing the top of his daughter's little head gently. Monica smiled at him. _

_"Joey, thank you so much for today, but would you mind babysitting a little longer?" Monica asked, not taking her eyes off Chandler. Joey laughed and rolled his eyes._

_"Sure, just, um, finish," he gestured in the direction of Monica feeding Kimmy, "first okay?" Monica laughed. _

_"Oh, so you won't breastfeed her for me?" she asked, feigning disappointment. _

* * * * *

*2014*

Back in the present, Monica and Chandler had sex again in the morning. Monica was amazed that Chandler could be so horny when he was having so much sex. Not that she was complaining of course. She wondered if he was like this with Gemma, changing suddenly from cold and careless to hot and passionate. Or if that could only be the product of years of ups and downs, like she and Chandler had been through.

Monica couldn't resist giving Gemma a smug look at breakfast, which Gemma pretended not to notice. Monica was pleased when Chandler spent most of the time chatting casually to her, ignoring Gemma. Chris seemed much happier than usual, he had picked up on his mother's cheerfulness and was relieved she wasn't so miserable as she usually was these days.

But once breakfast was over and everyone else had gone out, Monica began to wonder if whatever it was that she and Chandler had shared last night could last. She hoped that it would. But she knew the next time he went into Gemma's room instead of hers she would be more jealous than ever because she had been reminded of her love for him.

* * * * *

_*2005*_

_When Chandler came home from work, after staying late for a meeting, he found Monica sat at the kitchen table with her head in her hands, while Kimmy ran round the apartment wearing only her diaper, singing loudly._

_"Mon?" Chandler asked softly, putting his hands on her shoulders. She sat up and leaned back against him. "You ok sweetie?" _

_"Yeah, I'm fine, Kimmy's been hyper all day and she's driving me INSANE, that's all," Monica explained, trying to keep her voice light._

_"Kimmy, come here," Chandler said, raising his voice so his daughter could hear him above the noise she was making. Kimmy ran fulltilt into Chandler's legs. He scooped her up and tried to calm her down a little. Monica sat helplessly in her chair. "Now, did you have your bath yet?" he asked the squirming two year old. She shook her head, giggling. "Then its bathtime for you young lady," he said, carrying her into the bathroom. _

_Left alone in the kitchen, Monica rubbed her temples. She adored her daughter, but sometimes wished it wasn't her who had responsibility for the child twenty four hours a day while Chandler was working. She hated how Chandler could just stroll in and take over and get Kimmy to do something Monica had been trying, and failing, to do for the last few hours._

_When Chandler and Kimmy came out of the bathroom, Kimmy was wrapped in a fluffy white towel in her father's arms, and Chandler was almost as wet as his daughter. Chandler was surprised not to find Monica in the kitchen, but didn't worry about it. He took Kimmy into her bedroom to get her dressed and ready for bed. _

_Twenty minutes later, Kimmy was wearing pjs and was sitting in bed, listening to Chandler read her a bedtime story. She yawned sleepily. Her earlier hyperness had worn her out._

_"Will Mommy come kiss me goodnight?" she asked when Chandler had finished the story and closed the book._

_"I'll just get her. Night night darling," Chandler said, kissing Kimmy on the nose. She giggled and hugged him._

_"Night Daddy."_

_Chandler hugged her again then went to find Monica. She was in their bedroom, putting away some clean clothes. She looked tired and harrassed._

_"Mon, Kimmy wants you to go say goodnight," he told her._

_"I will, just let me put these away."_

_"I'll do that, you go see her," he offered._

_"She can wait two minutes! I've been chasing round after her all day," Monica said._

_"Mon, she's only two years old," Chandler reminded her gently. He tried to hide his surprise and Monica's annoyance, wondering if she had PMS or if something more serious was wrong._

_"I know that! But you're not the one home with her all day when she won't stay still or quiet for one single second!" _

_"Are you mad at me for going to work?" he asked, trying to understand what she was arguing about._

_"No," she sighed._

_"Then what is it?"_

_"Nothing!" she snapped. She threw the rest of the pile of clothes onto the floor and stormed out of the room. She paused outside Kimmy's room to try and calm down._

_"Night Mommy," Kimmy said sleepily as Monica went into the room quietly._

_"Night night baby," she said, sitting on the edge of Kimmy's bed and kissing her forhead. Monica sat with Kimmy until the child was asleep. The soft warmth of her sleeping daughter was soothing and she forgot how angry she'd been just a little while ago._

_"Mon, what's the matter?" Chandler asked, as soon as Monica returned to their bedroom. He was sitting on the end of the bed, looking concerned. Monica noticed the clothes lying exactly where she'd dumped them._

_"I thought you said you'd put them away," she said, walking over to them, picking them up and starting to put them away._

_"Leave it Mon," Chandler said, frustrated that she wouldn't talk to him._

_"It'll only take a few minutes," she insisted. She was shoving the neatly folded clothes into drawers carelessly and angrily rattling the hangers of the things she put in the wardrobe. _

_"Then will you tell me why you're so upset?" Chandler asked._

_"I'm not upset."_

_"Then why are you acting like this?"_

_"Like what?"_

_"Like you're the two year old, not Kimmy," he snapped. Monica glared at him._

_"I can't help it if I have no adult company all day," she said._

_"You could have the gang over! They'd love to come fuss over Kimmy!" he suggested, trying not to lose his temper._

_"Ross and Rachel have Emma, they're busy with their own lives. Joey is finally working, so he's never got any time either. And Kimmy's been scared of Phoebe ever since the incident with the medival clown mask!" Monica argued. She was shouting, without realising it, and Chandler had raised his voice too. _

_"They're our friends Mon, they'd make time to visit if you asked them," Chandler pointed out._

_"If 'I' ask them? If they're 'our' friends why is it MY responsibility to ask them?" Chandler rolled his eyes. Monica could be so stubborn sometimes._

_"Because you're the one complaining you have no adult company!" he reminded her._

_"But that's YOUR fault," Monica shouted, aware she was being unreasonable._

_"Monica, I HAVE to work! If I stayed home all day to keep you company we'd have no money! Besides, I shouldn't have to babysit my wife AND my daughter! You're a grown woman, you shouldn't need someone to entertain you all day!" Chandler hated when she was like this. And he hated himself when he yelled at her._

_"Would you please quit being childish?" she demanded. Chandler scoffed. HE was being childish?! "I never said I wanted you to stay home all day! I just meant that I miss going out to work and being with people who can have an intelligent conversation about something other than My Little Pony!" _

_"Give her another toy to talk about," he suggest, unable to resist making a joke, even when they were fighting._

_"Chandler!" Monica shouted, "Why don't you ever take me seriously?"_

_"I do take you seriously, you know I do," Chandler said, "But you're being unreasonable and blaming me for things that aren't my fault! YOU were the one who decided to stay home with Kimmy! I have never, ever said you can't go out to work! When have I ever been less than supportive of your career?"_

_Monica didn't say anything. She knew he was right. And most of the time, she loved having the time to spend with Kimmy, but on days like today, when the apartment felt smaller than a closet and Kimmy was going nuts, she felt trapped and began to resent the family she adored._

_"Mon," Chandler said, noticing the slump in her shoulders as she accepted that he was in the right, and felt guilty for taking out her frustration on him. Chandler reached out to put his arms around her, he could never be mad at her for long._

_"Leave me alone Chandler," she said, rushing out of the room, her hands to her face, desperate to get out of there before she started crying. Chandler ran after her. _

_"Monica!" he called out to her, as she slammed the door of the apartment behind her. He sank onto the couch. If Kimmy wasn't there he would have chased after her, but he'd never leave his daughter alone in the apartment, even for Monica. He knew Monica would come to her sense in a few hours and would return, sheepish and apologetic. Even if he called one of the gang and asked them to stay with Kimmy while he went to look for his wife, it wouldn't do any good, he'd never catch her and even if he did, she was too stubborn and upset to listen to him, and knowing that he didn't think she could be trusted on her own would only make her more angry. But he couldn't go to bed until she returned and reassured him she was okay and she wasn't really mad at him._

_Monica had gone up to the roof of their building to sit and fel sorry for herself. She hated when she and Chandler fought and he was the sensible one, it always made her feel stupid and unreasonable. She shivered in the cold night air and wiped her face with the back on her hand. She was only wearing a short sleaved top and pants, and was freezing, but she wasn't ready to go back into the apartment and face Chandler yet. The worst part was, she knew he would forgive her as soon as he saw she'd been crying, and he would offer to take tomorrow off work and stay home with her and Kimmy, or watch Kimmy while she went out and had a day to herself. _

_Monica left the roof and wandered round the neighbourhood for a while, looking for a quiet bar or something where she could sit in the warm and mope over a scotch on the rocks with a twist. She found a place that didn't look too sleazy and went in. It was busy but not full, and she was soon sat by herself at the bar staring at her drink._

_"Hey," a guy said, sliding onto the seat next to her._

_"Hi," Monica said. She wasn't in the mood to talk to anyone right now, especially a total stranger in a bar. But she had gotten over her anger and didn't want to be rude._

_"Can I get you a drink?" he offered._

_"No thanks, I'm set," she said, gesturing to the drink in front of her that she hadn't even touched._

_"You okay?"_

_"I'm fine. You?" she was just being polite, but the man took her inquiry as a signal to pour out all his problems with his ex-wife to her. Monica listened quietly, although she was privately wishing he'd just shut up so she could go home to Chandler. She wasn't interested in this guys ex-wife and how she wouldn't let him see his kids and demanded extortionate amounts of child support. She just wanted to apologise to Chandler for yelling at him and then fall asleep with his arms around her._

_"I'm sorry, you don't wanna hear this," he said. Monica bit her lip to stop herself from screaming that she didn't, she wished she'd never asked him how he was. "Are you married?" _

_"Uh huh."_

_"You love him?"_

_"Very much," she said, smiling as she thought of Chandler._

_"Then how come you're in a bar listening to a drunk bastard moan about his life? How come you're not having sex with your husband?" he said, remarkably perceptive, despite the alcohol he'd drunk. Monica had had a few herself to cope with the tedium of his stories, so she didn't bother coming up with a lie._

_"We had a fight."_

_"He cheatin' on ya?" _

_"No, no, nothing like that," Monica said quickly._

_"Then what were ya fightin' 'bout?"_

_"Just stupid stuff," she said, not going in to details._

_"You want me to walk you home?" he asked suddenly. Monica raised her eyebrows._

_"Um, I don't think that's a good idea. If my husband sees you, he'll freak."_

_"Just to your building then," he said persasively._

_"Ok, I guess so," Monica said reluctantly._

_She finished her drink and let him lead her out of the bar. They walked slowly to the corner where they should have turned left to reach Monica and Chandler's building. He stopped suddenly and pulling Monica round to face him. Before she had time to register what was happening, he was kissing her, one hand on her butt, the other holding her head._

_If she had been sober, she would have stopped him straight away, screamed, run away to safety in Chandler's arms. She never would have kissed him back. She wouldn't have let him lead her to his apartment in the opposite direction of her own either. And she wouldn't have slept with him._

* * *

Please tell me what you think, if this is the first time you're reading. Or if its not and you didn't review before, SHAME ON YOU go do it now!


	2. chapter 2

**Have You Ever? (part 2)**

****

_Thanks for the reviews. I Still don't own them. This part is dedicated to DMG, to make up for the last one ;) Love you sweetie, and 1 more day :D_

*2014*

Even years later, Monica still felt guilty when she thought about it. But she told herself that what Chandler did to her by sleeping with Gemma was infinately worse. She'd had a one night stand, a mistake. She'd been angry and hurt, that's all. What Chandler was doing was calculated and prolongued and he saw daily how it affected her, and seemed not to care.

Chandler spent a second night with Monica, and they made love again. It wasn't as passionate and desperate as it had been the night before, but it was much better than the usual functional, awkward sex they had.

All that week Chandler slept in Monica's room, and they had sex every night, and as many mornings as Monica would wake up for. She couldn't help wondering what was going on. Chandler normally only spent two or three nights with her and then the same, or often a little longer, with Gemma. She tried to tell herself he and Gemma had probably had a row or something, that it was nothing to do with her own relationship with Chandler. But she noticed hopefully that Chandler and Gemma were still pleasant enough to each other, and there seemed to be no tension. As a matter of fact, the atmosphere in the house was calmer than it had been since Gemma first moved in. 

So Monica allowed herself to hope that this was Chandler's way of trying to get back the tatters of their marriage and rebuild them into something stronger than ever because of what they'd been through. 

Of course, Gemma had to ruin it all. She announced she was pregnant. On his eight consecutive night with Monica, Chandler broke the news to her. 

"How can that bitch be fucking pregnant?" Monica shouted, hot tears running down her cheeks. She hadn't really expressed much of her anger towards Gemma in front of Chandler, but he had guessed most of how she felt about it.

"Do I really need to explain that part to a woman with three kids?" Chandler asked impatiently. Monica glared at him.

"I thought you didn't want any more kids," she reminded him.

"No Mon, I don't want anymore kids with YOU." She had to fight the urge to slap him.

"Then why haven't you been using a condom this week?" Monica asked, but before he could answer, she had got out of bed and left the room.

* * * * *

_*2005*_

_Monica bit her lip as she sat in the bathroom clutching the pregnancy test. Two year old Kimmy was running round the apartment, unbelievably hyper and unbelievably loud. She'd been planning to wait till her daughter was asleep to take the test, but Kimmy hadn't showed any signs of wanting her usual afternoon nap today, possibly because Emma had visited that morning, and Monica knew she couldn't take the test while Chandler was home, so if she didn't take it now, she'd have to wait till tomorrow, which seemed an unbearably long time away._

_"Kimmy, please calm down!" Monica shouted through the closed door. Kimmy paused for a second, then started banging on the bathroom door loudly and screaming._

_"Whatcha doing Mommy?" she demanded._

_"Cleaning the bathroom," Monica lied, "I won't be long honey." Kimmy was still in diapers, so Monica knew she didn't have to worry about the little girl needing to use the bathroom._

_"Why?" Kimmy asked. Monica rolled her eyes._

_"Because it gets icky otherwise."_

_"Would I get icky if you didn't clean me?"_

_"Yes."_

_"Would you?"_

_"Uh huh."_

_"Would Daddy?"_

_"Yes. Kimmy, please just watch The Tweenies or something. I just need five minutes peace!" _

_"Ok Mommy," Kimmy said, and Monica listened warily for any worrying sounds. The apartment was briefly silent until the annoyingly cheerful sounds of the Tweenies filled the living room. _

_Monica glanced at the timer sitting on the sink. Two minutes to go. She tapped her fingernails impatiently against her teeth. It was something Chandler occassionally did when he was stressed, and it annoyed the hell out of her. But she was so nervous! _

_When the test was finally ready, she took a deep breath and looked at it. It was positive. She burst into tears, trying to supress her sobs so Kimmy wouldn't hear and get scared. Monica leaning her forehead against the cool tiles and tried to think straight. It might be ok. It might not be all over. It might work out. _

_"Mommy? Are five minutes gone yet?" Kimmy whined from outside the bathroom. Monica didn't answer. She was scared if she did, her voice would crack and she would really lose control. "Mommy?" Kimmy asked, sounding ready to cry herself. Monica took a deep shuddering breath._

_"I'll be out in a sec hon," she promised._

_"How long is a sec?" Kimmy asked._

_"Not very long at all," Monica assured her daughter. She splashed cold water on her flushed face and looked at herself in the mirror. She was a mess. Her cheeks were still damp and splotchy, her eyes were red, her bottom lip was still trembling slightly. But she painted a smile on her face and opened the bathroom door. Kimmy had begun to bang on the door again and Monica sensed the child was tired and liable to go into tantrum mode for the slightest reason. "See?" she said, picking Kimmy up and hugging her. Kimmy hugged back with her small, chubby arms. Kimmy yawned loudly against Monica's shoulder. "Tired baby?" Monica asked. Kimmy shook her head hard._

_"NO!" she insisted. Monica sighed. Kimmy was as stubborn as her mother and if she refused to take a nap there was no way Monica could make her, until the little girl actually fell asleep in the middle of whatever she was doing._

_Chandler came home to find Kimmy sprawled on the floor, fast asleep, a toy truck clutched in her hand. Her tears were wet, as if she'd fallen asleep mid-temper-tantrum. Monica was crashed out on the couch, her eyes closed, but a frown instead of her usual peaceful expression. Chandler carefully picked up his daughter and carried her into her room. She must have refused to take her nap earlier to be asleep now. Unfortunately she would now not go to bed for the night until later than normal. He covered the sleeping child with a light blanket and kissed her hair. _

_"Sweet dreams baby," he whispered. _

_Going back into the livingroom, he leaned over Monica and brushed a strand of dark hair out of her eyes. He slid his arms underneath her to take her into their bedroom and let her sleep as if she was Kimmy's age, but Monica stirred and opened her eyes._

_"Hello sleeping beauty," he teased lovingly. _

_"I wasn't asleep," Monica mumbled, "I was thinking."_

_"With your eyes shut?" he asked, carrying her into the bedroom anyway. Monica let him, enjoying the safe feeling of Chandler's arms holding her tight._

_"I had a headache."_

_"You want an asprin?"_

_"No thanks, its not so bad anymore." _

_"If you're sure."_

_"Thanks Chandler. You know, you don't have to put me to bed now, since I'm not asleep," she pointed out._

_"Maybe I wanna put you to bed," he joked, "And maybe, just maybe, I wanna join you." He leaned down and kissed her tenderly on the mouth. Monica kissed him back for a few seconds._

_"Well, maybe, just maybe, I'll let you help me into my pjs," she said, refering to the way Kimmy would have phases of only letting her Daddy get her ready for bed._

_"Pjs suck," Chandler announced. Monica laughed. "Will a negligee do?"_

_"I guess it'll have to."_

_* * * * * _

_Four days later, Monica asked Chandler to take the afternoon off work and watch Kimmy. He was more than happy to, but when Monica wouldn't tell him why she had to go out, alone that afternoon, he got angry._

_"Why does it matter?" she asked, squirming. She hated lying to Chandler._

_"I don't care where you're going, so long as you're not going to your new boyfriend's house or something!" Chandler shouted. Monica was grateful Kimmy was with Ross and Rachel. Chandler froze. What if Monica did have a boyfriend? How would he ever deal with that?_

_"Don't be ridiculous Chandler!" Monica snapped._

_"Oh, so now I'm ridiculous!"_

_"Ugh! I don't have a boyfriend, if I did do you think I'm stupid enough to ask you to look after our daughter while I go have sex with another man?" Chandler shrugged awkwardly. She was right._

_"I guess not. But Mon, I don't understand why you can't just tell me. We never keep secrets from each other, I don't want us to start now," he said, calming down a little, and moving forward to hug her. Monica let him, but stayed stiff in his arms and didn't hug back. She bit her lip. She knew she'd have to tell him something, but she couldn't tell the truth, so she'd have to come up with a believable lie._

_"Um, I can't tell you because its to do with a friend, not me," she said, buying herself a little more time to think._

_"Which friend?" Chandler asked. He doubted that it was one of the gang because Monica probably would have told him, even if it was Rachel or Phoebe._

_"You don't know her," Monica said. He raised an eyebrow. Monica had never mentioned any other women she was friends with, the only people she saw on her own were other mothers at Kimmy's day care. He supposed it could be one of them, but surely Monica wouldn't go to such lengths to hide it from him if it was just some woman she barely knew._

_"So what are the two of you doing that's so secret?" he asked, trying to keep his tone light. _

_"Um, she has to go to the doctors and I said I'd go with her, you know, for moral support," Monica said. That at least bore some vague resemblance to the truth._

_"How come? Is it somethin serious?"_

_"She doesn't know, but it might be," Monica said._

_"Oh okay. Wish her good luck from me," he smiled. Monica breathed a sigh of relief and kissed Chandler's cheek. He'd bought it. She was safe, for now at least._

_"Thanks," she said gratefully._

_Kimmy hardly noticed when Monica slipped out the next afternoon, she was to engrossed in paper macheing her Daddy's hands together. Monica rolled her eyes. It was typical Chandler to let Kimmy make such a mess, but she didn't wanna fight again, so she'd bit back a comment about it. Chandler had appreciated it, and almost kissed her, until she realised he was just as sticky as Kimmy and had backed away._

_Monica didn't really doubt that she was pregnant. She was a month late; had some morning sickness, although thankfully not as bad as when she was pregnant with Kimmy; and she had the same general run-down feeling as she'd experienced with her first pregnancy. _

_The doctor confirmed that Monica was six or seven weeks pregnant. She bit her lip and asked if they could tell her any more accurately than that. The doctor said they couldn't, but it didn't make that much difference. Monica didn't tell him that it made all the difference in the world._

_She went home and was greeted by Chandler and Kimmy who were both covered in glue and bits of paper. The apartment looked like it had been hit by a tornado, an earthquake and a bomb all in the same day. Kimmy proudly showed her the mushy blobs she had made that were slowly hardening into slightly less mushy blobs. Monica hardly saw them but smiled all the same. She watched Chandler proudly ruffle Kimmy's hair as she talked excitedly about the fun she'd had with Daddy._

_Taking Chandler aside while Kimmy ran to fetch another of her creations, Monica said she had a splitting headache and needed to go lie down. Chandler was concerned and offered to fetch her some water and asprin. Monica thanked him and trudged into the bedroom. Kimmy was disappointed, and almost threw a tantrum, until Chandler patiently explained that Mommy didn't feel well and asked her to be quiet for a while. Kimmy made a big show of tiptoeing and whispering for the rest of the day. _

_"Here you go," Chandler said, going into the bedroom with a glass of water and a couple of asprin. Monica was undressing so he put them down on the bedside table. _

_"Thanks," she said, slipping one of his t-shirts over her head and crawling under the covers. Chandler handed her the glass and tablets and she took them gratefully. She hadn't been lying when she said she had a headache, although she had slightly exagerated how bad it was. _

_"I'll keep Kimmy quiet so you can rest," he promised, tucking the covers tighter around her. Monica smiled at his sweetness._

_"I love you," she said, catching his hand and kissing it softly._

"I love you too sweetie," he said, leaning down to kiss the corner of her mouth, "now rest!" he commanded. Obedient for once, Monica snuggled down and closed her eyes. Chandler turned off the light and crept out, shutting the door quietly behind him. 

_Monica didn't sleep, but she was grateful to have some time to think about how to handle things. And tucked up in bed by her loving husband, wearing a t-shirt that smelt deliciously of him was comforting. It was Chandler's baby. It had to be. She was certain it was. She shouldn't be afraid to tell Chandler she was pregnant, because it was HIS baby._

* * * * * 

*2014*

Chandler left Monica to sulk in the living room while she took in the news of Gemma's pregnancy. But he couldn't sleep until she came back into the bedroom. It was over and hour and a half before Monica crept back in, expecting to find Chandler asleep, but instead he was sat up in bed, reading.

"Hey," she said sheepishly.

"You feeling better now?" he asked, setting aside his book.

"No," she said honestly. But she got back into bed and let Chandler put his arms around her.

"I AM sorry Mon, you know I wouldn't have done this deliberatley to hurt you," he reassured her.

"Wouldn't you? You'd sleep with another woman within earshot," Monica pointed out grumpily.

"Fine, stay mad. I know you, when you're like this there's nothing I can say to help. I'll talk to you when you've calmed down," he said, frustrated. Chandler rolled away from her and lay with his back to her. Within seconds, Monica's arms were around him and he could feel her warm breath on his neck. 

"I'm sorry," she whispered, "it just hurts, you know?"

"Yeah, I know," he replied, with feeling. He rolled back gain so he was facing her. Monica kissed him softly. His hands slid under the covers and pressed her body tighter to his. 

Before long they were having sex. As she moved on top of him, Monica felt like she was reclaiming her husband. Her face was grimly determinded and although her movements made both of them cum, a part of her wasn't satisfied, would NEVER be satisfied until she had Chandler totally to herself. The jealous, possessive part of her wanted to get rid of Gemma, to feed them both lies about the other one, to split them up. But the rational side of her knew that neither of them would believe her, that she would come off looking like a bitch, whereas Gemma would still be the perfect angel, and that even if Gemma was out of the picture, things wouldn't be how they used to be between her and Chandler.

* * * * *

Two months later, Monica and Gemma were watching TV together in silence while they waited for Chandler to come home. The kids were in bed, and he was late. The air was thick with tension but neither of them would concede to the other by retreating to their bedroom. Monica had been acting even more coldly towards Gemma since her bump had started to show. Even though Gemma was currently wearing a baggy sweatshirt and it was impossible to tell she was pregnant, every so often she would catch Monica glaring at her.

Chandler came home with a cheery smile and greeting for both of them, but didn't seem to notice the chilly atmosphere in the room. He walked over to where they sat at opposite ends of the couch and kissed each of them quickly. Monica pulled away from his kiss, she hated when he did that, especially when she was second. She hated kissing her husband just seconds after watching him kiss another woman. She thought she saw Gemma smirking at her over Chandler's shoulder.

"Are you coming to bed?" Gemma asked. Monica stayed silent, knowing Chandler was looking to her, almost as if he was seeking her permission or approval, but she knew he was really just looking for a reaction from her. She gave him none, straining to keep her face neutral.

"Give me half an hour or so, I wanna relax for a while first," he said.

"Ok," said Gemma, sounding slightly annoyed, "I'm gonna go now anyway, pregnancy is tiring." That time there was a definate smirk at Monica. Monica ignored it, keeping her eyes on Chandler.

"I'll see you in a bit then," he told Gemma, kissing her cheek as she got up to go upstairs. "I won't wake you up if you're asleep when I go up." Gemma tried to smiled gratefully, although to Monica it looked more like she was gritting her teeth to the fact that Chandler wasn't bothered about having sex with her. It was Monica's turn to smirk.

When Gemma was gone, Chandler sat on the couch next to Monica and put his arm around her. At first she stiffened, but he kissed her cheek tenderly and she relaxed a little more and leaned against his shoulder. In the last couple of months, Chandler had been much sweeter towards her, perhaps because he understood how much Gemma's pregnancy hurt her. 

"Late meeting?" Monica asked.

"Yeah, the new boss doesn't believe in interrupting the working day with those pointless things called meetings, so he'd rather pay us all overtime to have them ridiculously late in the evening," Chandler said rolling his eyes. Monica laughed. "Funny is it?" Chandler demanded, pretending to by angry. 

"Yup," Monica said, still giggling. She squealed as Chandler tickled her, forgetting how hurt she'd been that he came in and kissed Gemma first, forgetting that Gemma was pregnant with his baby. 

Chandler managed to tickle her until she was lying on her back on the floor, with him half lying on the couch, half lying on top of her. Seeing Monica's beautiful smile and her blue eyes dancing made Chandler stop playing and slide fully off the couch. He started to stroke Monica's stomach where her top had got pushed up. She lay still and stopped laughing. As his hands crept up her top to fondle her breasts, teasing the pink nipples, she smiled in the knowledge that Gemma would have more than half an hour to wait for Chandler, and that even though he would spend tonight in Gemma's bed, it was Monica he would make love to.

(blah blah blah, they're having sex :p )

Monica gritted her teeth as she began to tire, but kept going. She was determind to prove to Chandler that she was better than Gemma in every possible way. She knew Chandler had adored her when she was pregnant, and the thought that he would be just as drawn to Gemma's growing belly tormented her. But the difference with Gemma's pregnancy was that he'd have Monica right there, another gorgeous woman who he loved, this one retaining her figure. Monica had lost most of the weight she'd gained since having the kids in the months since she'd learned of Gemma's pregnancy, and now weighed only a couple of pounds more than she had when she and Chandler got married. And even if he was still attracted to Gemma during her pregnancy, Monica would be there to offer him attention and sex in the weeks after the brat's birth, when Gemma would be worn out, uncomfortable and not at all sexy.

(they're done now J) 

"I expect Gemma's still waiting," she reminded him cooly. Chandler groaned with annoyance. He rolled off her, but didn't move to get up and dressed, he simply lay next to her, tracing patterns over her breasts and stomach with his finger tips, making her shiver with enjoyment. 

"You know I want you though, don't you," he said hoarsely in her ear. Monica smiled triamphantly.

"It was your choice to bring her into your life," Monica said firmly, "you know I never liked it, and you can't expect me to be happy about you sleeping with another woman. But you can't tell me you want me when I know you'll be going up to her bed and holding her and kissing her goodnight," Monica said.

"I'm sorry Monica, really I am," he said, moving his hand to her p.ussy, hoping to win her over that way.

"If you're so sorry, if you really wanna try and fix our marriage, then break up with Gemma, get her out of our lives."

"I can't Mon, not when she's pregnant with my baby," he whined. 

"How do you even know its your baby?" she asked, touching a nerve, just as she had intended. Chandler withdrew his hand quickly and stared at her.

"Because she's not a slut like you," he snapped, standing up and reaching for his clothes. But he kept glancing at her as if expecting her to try and stop him. But she didn't. She was satisfied that she had raised the question in Chandler's mind. No matter what he claimed about trusting Gemma more than Monica, she knew it was just something he said to upset her and that she'd successfully implanted the doubt in his mind. The best thing she could do would be to send him up to Gemma, where he would lie sleepless next to her and wonder or even better, if she was awake, he might even ask her outright if there was a chance the baby wasn't his. 

Five minutes later, Monica was alone. She didn't stay sprawled out naked on the floor for long. A paranoid part of her thought Gemma might come down to yell at her, even though she knew that was very very unlikely. She dressed slowly, thinking of Chandler the whole time. She really did love him, despite the current awful situation. But she was jealous of Gemma, and she didn't feel Chandler was justified in what he'd done, no matter what she had done to him she didn't deserve to have to share her husband.

* * * * *

_*2005* _

_When Monica had told Chandler she was pregnant with their second child, he had been thrilled. She had waited till Kimmy was asleep, and had cooked Chandler his favourite dinner, served him wine (but stuck to water herself), and had worn a low-cut dress that showed off her already slightly larger breats._

_"Chandler, I have to tell you something," she said, nervously, twisting her napkin in her lap. _

_"Mon?" he asked, looking worried. He held her shaking hands. "What's wrong?"_

_"Nothing," she said, smiling up at him, "How would you like to be a Daddy again?" He gasped and grinned broadly at her._

_"You're, you're pregnant?" he asked, sounding delighted. Monica nodded. "How many weeks?" he asked, putting his hand gently on her stomach._

_"Six or seven," she answered, smiling. Chandler's excitement was contagious._

_"Oh my God Mon!" he said, standing up and hugging her. Monica stood up as well and moved into Chandler's arms. _

_"We're gonna have a baby," she said happily. Chandler lifted her and twirled her round._

_"Uh huh, now why don't we go remind ourselves how it happened?" he suggested, picking her up and kissing her passionately. Monica laughed when the kiss broke and let him carry her into the bedroom._

_* * * * *_

*2014*

A month later, a grinning Monica told Chandler to sit down. He did so, looking confused. Gemma was at a doctor's appointment, and Monica had been pleased when Chandler decided not to take the day of work to go with her, and even more pleased when he came home early. She had bribed Kimmy to take Chris and Holly to the park. She'd never have let them go alone in the city, but in the suburbs it was safe enough at this time of day, there'd be plenty of other kids and parents around.

"Chandler, I have something to tell you," Monica said excitedly. He looked at her, waiting for her to continue. "I'm pregnant." 

Chandler started at her in shock. She couldn't be pregnant. Gemma was pregnant. He couldn't have two children with two different women born within a few months of each other. Monica couldn't be pregnant. 

"Wha, what?" he stammered. 

"I'm pregnant," she said again. "And I warn you, if you even THINK of asking if its yours I'll strangle you." She was smiling, and her voice was light, but Chandler knew her well enough to know she wouldn't forgive him if he questioned her.

"Oh my God!" Chandler mumbled. His face was white. Monica took his hand in hers and smiled at him.

"Are you happy about this?" she asked, but she was looking at him in a way that told him if he said he wasn't, she'd be devastated.

"Of course I'm happy Mon, its just a huge shock, that's all," he managed to say. She relaxed a little and her smile grew. She had appeared confident and happy when she announced it to him, but he could see now she'd really been nervous about breaking it to him, probably anticipating he'd accuse her of cheating again.

"I know it's a shock, I was shocked too," she admitted, "But it's a good shock, right?"

"Uh huh," he nodded. 

"I mean, I know things still aren't what they used to be between us, but they've gotten so much better lately. And a baby can never be a bad thing, can it? Oh God, we're gonna have to move to a bigger house!" Monica said, going into crazy mode.

"Mon, you're babbling," Chandler told her. For some reason, he found it easier to be calm when she was doing the freaking out instead of him. Soothing her was making him see that a baby wasn't something to panic about, it was something to be happy and excited about.

"Am I?" she asked innocently. Chandler laughed at her expression and impulsively kissed her hard.

"Yup. But I'm used to it." He put his hand gently on her stomach. "You'll get used to it too little one," he said teasingly. "Mommy can't help being a freak." Monica playfully smacked him for that comment, but Chandler was too happy to care. Now he'd started to get used to the idea, he was delighted. He had even gone so far as to think Monica and Gemma's babies could be friends, as well as half siblings. He grabed her wrist to stop her hitting him again and kissed her passionatley. He let go of her wrist when she kissed back, so he could scoop her into his arms and carry her into the bedroom. Monica giggled with pleasure, and was grateful to have the apartment to themselves.

* * * * *

Monica was three months pregnant, and still suffering from morning sickness. Gemma was nearly eight months pregnant, and easily aggravated by the slightest thing. Chandler was constantly being torn between the two of them. He never would have expected living with two pregnant women to be quite this hard, although he realised he probably should have expected it; he'd lived with Monica through three pregnancies and put up with mood swings, aches and pains, morning sickness, helping her get out of chairs, and normal things expectant fathers did. But doing that for two women at the same time, especially two women who hated one another, was exhausting. 

Kimmy had been disgusted when her parents told her they were having a new baby. She knew the basics of sex, and thought it was absolutely disgusting. Chris was happy, mostly because Chandler and Monica seemed so much happier. Holly had been happy when she was told Gemma was pregnant, and was even happier when her own mother announced she too was going to have a baby.

Chandler was still alternating between Monica and Gemma every few nights. But Monica was the only one he had sex with these days. Monica had been right when she hoped that Gemma's pregnancy would make her seem unattractive, while Monica was there as thin and beautiful as ever. But as Chandler lay beside her stroking and kissing her slightly rounded stomach, she wondered if he had been like this in the early days of Gemma's pregnancy too. By the time Monica was in her third trimester, Gemma would have recovered from the birth of her baby, and Monica guessed, would be making a big effort to look attractive again, in an attempt to lure Chandler away from Monica. Monica would not allow that to happen. She was reassured that Chandler had never said she was anything but gorgeous throughout her other three pregnancies, even when she was nine months pregnant and bad tempered. But then he hadn't had someone else to tempt him.

* * * * *

Monica was woken at about two am one night when Gemma was nine months pregnant. Chandler was sleeping with her that night, and his arm was draped lovingly across her stomach, his face towards her. Gemma burst into the room, looking frightened. Monica blinked sleepily at her, waiting for her to explain.

"CHANDLER!" Gemma wailed. He woke up slowly, not moving from his place next to Monica.

"Wha?" he mumbled, still half asleep.

"The baby's coming!" Gemma shouted. Monica's hand instinctively went to her own stomach, where her baby lay safe and protected. Chandler was as brilliant as Monica had expected him to be. Gemma obviously had no idea what she was doing, so he jumped up and ran downstairs to put her bag in the car to drive her to hospital, leaving Gemma and Monica alone. Monica started to get up as well. There was no way the kids would have slept through the noise Gemma was making, and she wanted to reassure them so they could go back to sleep, just as she wanted to do herself. "Oh my God!" Gemma screamed, clutching her stomach. 

"Contraction?" Monica asked. The younger woman nodded. "Sit down," Monica said, putting an arm around Gemma's shoulders to lead her to the bed without thinking about it. Her voice had no warmth, but her calmness seemed to sooth Gemma.

"I'm so scared!" Gemma confided when the contraction had eased.

"You'll be fine," Monica said shortly. They sat in silence while they waited for Chandler. Monica kept her arm around Gemma, and her other hand was clutched in Gemma's terrified grip.

"Ok, Gem, lets go," Chandler said, coming back into the bedroom. He moved to help Gemma stand up. Monica let go straight away.

"Aren't you coming Monica?" Gemma asked, sounded panicked.

"I have to stay with my kids," she said, "Chandler knows what he's doing."

"But I don't!" Gemma insisted, "Please Monica!"

"I can't." Monica wondered if she'd have gone if she didn't have the excuse of the children. She still didn't like Gemma, but seeing her afraid and in pain, even Monica couldn't hate her. 

"Come on Gemma, the car's just outside, I'll help you downstairs and we'll get you to hospital and have this baby," Chandler said calmly, helping Gemma to the door. Monica stayed motionless on the bed. Gemma let Chandler lead her, to confused and scared to do anything else. Moncia heard them make their way downstairs and out of the front door. She listened as Chandler started the car and drove out of the driveway as fast as he dared. She was surprised that her heart was thudding as fast as it was, she hadn't expected to feel anything for Gemma and her brat at all. 

Chandler came home just as Monica was giving the kids their dinner the next day. They lept up as he came in, asking questions about their baby brother or sister. Chandler hugged and kissed all three of them, and didn't tell them anything until he'd hugged and kissed Monica too. She smiled that even when Gemma had just given birth to his child, Chandler still sought her out.

"Is it a boy or a girl?" Kimmy asked, excited despite herself.

"What's it called?" Chris asked.

"Is Gemma ok?" Holly asked, the only one to be concerned about Gemma except Chandler.

"Gemma's fine, tired but fine," Chandler said, he didn't elaborate, after catching Monica's annoyed look. "she had a gorgeous baby boy." Chris high fived Chandler, glad to have another male in the household. "We've called him James."

"Cool," Kimmy said casually. "What's he look like?"

"Like a baby!" Chandler laughed. "Ten perfect fingers, ten perfect toes. Completely bald!" He noticed Monica looking uncomfortable, her hand on her stomach. "Sorry, looks like I've interrupted dinner! Why don't you guys finish up, then I'll take you to see your new brother." The kids whined a little, but Chandler was firm, and they all sat down and began to wolf down their fish fingers and chips. "Mon, can we talk?" Chandler asked, discreetly. Monica looked surprised, but followed him into the living room. "Are you ok?" he asked.

"I'm okay, considering the circumstances," she said coldly. 

"Are you gonna try and be happy for me?"

"No. Chandler, I'm sorry, but I cannot bring myself to be happy that you and that bitch have a baby together!" she said without malice.

"Do I have to remind you about Chris?" Chandler asked coldly. Throughout Gemma's pregnancy, Monica had wondered when the comparison would be coming, and was actually surprised it had taken this long.

"No you don't. This is a completely different situation."

"Why? Because this time its you being hurt?"

"No! Because the mother comes with the baby," Monica said bitterly. 

"At least I never lied."

She gritted her teeth and clenched her fists, desperately trying not to slap him. "Chandler, leave me alone. Go take the kids to the hospital, for pizza too if you want. Just don't ask me to be happy about this," she said tiredly, unconcsiously rubbing her temple, as if that would smooth out the mess their lives had become.

TBC…


	3. chapter 3

**Have You Ever? (part 3)**

****

_Thanks again for the reviews. I have now bought all the characters for 10p and some fluff. But I'm waiting for them to come through my specially enlarged letter box, so I don't own them yet. No porn in this bit, sorry guys ;) This part is dedicated to Megs and DMG – how much fun did we have at the sleepover?! _

_*2014*_

When Gemma and James came home from the hospital, Chandler found he was faced with a crying baby, a crying new mother, a crying wife, and two moody children most evenings when he got home from work. Holly was such a ray of sunshine, so much so that it annoyed everyone else, which upset her too.

James slept in Gemma's room. And while Chandler wanted to be near his son, he was still going to work every day, so was spending more and more nights in Monica's bed. Monica, obviously, wasn't complaining about this. Her pregnancy showed clearly, but Chandler still found her sexy, and they made love most nights. She was happy and contented when she lay next to Chandler after they'd had sex. But when he sometimes lept out of bed to go see to the screaming baby in the other room, she felt jealous. She couldn't stop wondering if he kissed Gemma as they tended to James together, if he was as sweet to Gemma as he had been when Monica had given birth to the other kids.

As Monica's stomach grew, she became more and more scared of losing Chandler to her rival. And in her fear, her hatred of Gemma became more intense. It didn't help that Gemma was home all day with James, as the two women constantly got under each others feet.

Monica was six months pregnant by the time Christmas came around. Baby James was seven weeks old. Even Kimmy had warmed to her baby brother, and fussed over him in his adorable Christmas outfit. Monica still refused to have anything to do with the baby. This annoyed Gemma, who could have done with the extra help and experience of the pregnant mother of three, but Chandler knew Monica well enough to know it was best to leave her alone. There was no real reason why she should care for the baby, but if she was going to, she would do it in her own time, without people nagging her and going on at her about it.

Things between Monica and Chandler had cooled off for a while. He was more involved in the baby, and Monica was afraid now that she was bigger, he prefered Gemma's company in bed. But when he was being sweet and loving to her, she convinced herself he spent fewer and fewer nights with her because sleeping next to a six months pregnant woman who can't sleep without tossing and turning to try and get comfortable, isn't a great recpipe for a good night's sleep, as Chandler knew from experience. 

Monica was glad that when she went into labour, Chandler was in her bed for once. She was as scared as Gemma had been, not because she didn't know what she was doing, but because it was a month too early. When she shook Chandler awake and told him the baby was coming, he rolled over and told her to go back to sleep, it was probably just braxton hicks contractions. 

"No, Chandler, its not, I swear," she said. The panic in her voice made Chandler sit up and hug her. He was convinced it wasn't the real thing, it was too early. But if Monica needed to go to the hospital and be reassured that the baby wouldn't come for another month, he would take her. 

"Come on then, I'll just wake Gemma and tell her to watch the kids if we're not back by morning.

"'kay," Monica said, clutching Chandler's hand. He realised she was genuinely scared, otherwise she would have protested at him waking Gemma and suggested a note or something instead. He gently kissed her hand and wriggled free of her grasp.

"I'll be back in a sec," he promised. 

"Hurry," Monica told him.

It took Chandler only a few minutes to wake Gemma, whisper that Monica was having contractions and he was taking her to the hospital, and could she please make sure the kids got to school ok if he and Monica weren't back by then. Gemma nodded sleepily and promised she would, then went straight back to sleep.

When Chandler got back into Monica's bedroom, he found her sitting up in bed, clutching the duvet, a pained expression on her face. For the first time Chandler began to wonder if maybe this was the real thing after all. The thought scared him, it was a month early, it was too soon. He rushed to hold Monica's hand as the contraction eased. 

"Come on Mon, try to stand, we have to go down to the car," he said in a voice much calmer than he felt. He helped her out of bed. Monica gritted her teeth as they made their way downstairs and out to the car. Chandler got her as comfortable as possible in the passenger seat and ran around to the drivers seat. 

Two or three minutes after they had set off, Chandler heard Monica shout his name.

"what? Another contraction?" he asked, taking one hand off the steering wheel to hold his wife's hand. 

"My waters just broke," Monica said, clinging tightly to the hand he offered.

"Fuck!" Chandler said. So it was real. Their baby was going to be born today. It was scary and exciting. HE had to let go of Monica's hand so he could drive his wife and soon-to-be-newborn child to the hospital safely. Thankfully the suburbian streets were almost empty at this time of night, so when Monica had another contraction, he was able to pull over and hold her hand tightly and concentrate on telling her to breath. 

It felt to Monica as if it took hours and hours to reach the hospital, but it actually only took about twenty minutes. When the finally got there, she obeyed Chandler and the nurse without thinking, as they got her to a private room. 

The labour was relatively fast, since it was Monica's fourth child, and it was premature. Chandler never left her side. As he looked at her lovingly and stroked her hand and kissed her forehead, she didn't even worry if he had done the same when Gemma was in labour, all thoughts of Gemma had completely left her mind, as she concentrated all her energy into pushing her baby out into the world.

"A gorgeous little girl," the midwife announced eventually, as the sound of a baby crying filled the delivery room. Monica was crying with relief as she lay back, exhausted. Chandler kissed her sweetly, then she released his hand so he could go see their daughter. 

"She's beautiful Mon," he said, tears in his eyes.

"Is she okay?" Monica asked worriedly.

"She looks just fine," the midwife assured them.

"Thank God," Monica said, "Can I hold her?"

"Sorry, of course," Chandler said. He brought the baby to Monica and tenderly placed her on next to her.

"Hi sweetie," Monica whispered, stroking the baby's soft cheek.

* * * * *

_*2006* _

_Monica never mentioned that one meaningless night of infidelity to Chandler. She knew how much it would hurt him, to have to wonder constantly if the baby he adored even before it was born was really his. She knew that a blood test could easily confirm that the baby was Chandler's, as she knew it was. But she didn't dare risk the tiny, insignificant chance that it wasn't. She couldn't lose Chandler for a one night stand with a stranger. _

_When the baby was born, Chandler proved just how amazing he was, by staying with her and holding her hand throughout the 22 hour labour. He didn't even complain when she squeezed his hand so hard they were both afraid she'd crack the delicate little bones._

_"Mon, he's beautiful," Chandler said as Monica held her son. "He looks just like you." _

_Monica knew in her heart that she was holding Chandler's baby. There was no way her perfect son could have been fathered by anyone else. Chandler might claim he looked like Monica, but to her eyes, the baby had Chandler's nose and eyes._

_* * * * *_

_*2012*_

_As far as Chandler knew, there was no doubt that Chris was his son. Monica had even managed to convince herself that her night with the stranger had never happened. Monica and Chandler also had a three year old daughter Holly, who was a total Daddy's girl. _

_All three kids, and Ross and Rachel's kids were being packed off to the Geller's house for the weekend, because the gang was having a reunion at Monica and Chandler's. Joey had flown over from LA espcially, and they were all looking forward to seeing him again, in the flesh rather than on movie screens. He had become quite the successful actor in the last ten years. _

_It was one am. All six of them were sat on the floor around the coffee table in Monica and Chandler's living room, laughing hysterically, partly due to the vast quantities of alchol they'd all drunk, partly due to the story Joey was telling them about one of his co-stars. _

_"Okay, okay," Rachel suddenly announced, taking a large gulp of her drink before continuing. "Lets play truth or dare!"_

_"We're not twenty anymore Rach," Ross said in his proffesor voice._

_"I didn't know you guys when we were twenty," Phoebe pointed out._

_"Well, thirty then," Ross corrected himself._

_"So what? Just because we're married with kids, we can still have a good drunken time!" Rachel argued._

_"Here, here," Monica agreed, raising her glass. She and Rachel clinked glasses, giggling so much they nearly spilled their drinks. _

_"Ok, I'm going first," Rachel announced, refusing to take any more arguments. "Phoebe, truth or dare?"_

_"Hm, truth," Phoebe said._

_"While we were all living in New York, did you ever sleep with one of these three guys?" Rachel asked. Phoebe giggled and hid behind her hands._

_"Joey, once, we were drunk," she excused herself. Monica and Rachel squealed with laughter, while Chandler snorted so hard he nearly choked. Ross was so busy staring into the depths of his wine glass the others weren't sure he even knew they were there. "Ok, now me," Phoebe said, flicking her hair away from her face and attempting to salvage some self control. "Joey, truth or dare." The fact that she had picked Joey to be her victim made the others laugh even harder._

_"Kiss one of the Bings for thirty seconds," she challenged._

_"Well, Chandler, as attractive as I'm sure you are, I think I'm gonna go for Monica this time," Joey said, moving towards Monica._

_"No fair, why do I have to kiss him, its not my dare!" Monica protested._

_"Mon, its JOEY TRIBIANI!" Rachel screamed, "The movie star! Chandler won't mind!"_

_"Oh won't he?" Chandler interrupted._

_"Do you?" Monica asked her husband, managing to stop laughing. Chandler sighed._

_"No, go kiss him, its Joey Tribiani the movie star!" Chandler teased. Monica laughed and pecked him on the cheek._

_"Ok Joey, lets get it over with," she said, closing her eyes. She felt Joey's lips press against hers and his hands go gently around her waist. Despite the mandatory thirty seconds, it was little more than a friendly kiss._

_"Pretty good, Chandler you're a lucky guy," Joey said when they were finished. Chandler put a possessive arm around Monica's shoulders._

_"I know," he said seriously. She smiled and kissed his nose lovingly._

_"Right, Monica," Joey said, rubbing his hands together in anticipation. She groaned. "Truth or dare?"_

_"Truth," she answered, because she had a feeling Joey's idea of a dare would be to make her kiss (or go even further!) Rachel or Phoebe or something._

_"Was that kiss the first time you've kissed another man since you married Chandler?" Joey asked. _

_"No," slipped out before she could think to say the easy lie. She blamed it on the alcohol in her bloodstream, there was no way she would have admitted it if she'd been sober. But she wasn't, and she had admitted it. And she would have to deal with the consequences._

_Everyone gasped. They'd been slightly disappointed at Joey's question, expecting it to be an easy 'yes', but they assumed it was to make up for her forced role in Joey's dare._

_"Monica?" Chandler asked softly, looking like he was about to cry._

_"I mean, I've kissed Joey and Ross in the last eleven years, I'm sure," she laughed uneasily. They all knew she was lying, but left it to Chandler to decide whether to discuss this now or wait till the gang had left._

_"Don't lie Mon, please don't lie," Chandler said. Monica could see the tears forming in his eyes and knew that if he cried, she would cry too. _

_"I'm not," she said, to spare herself pain, to spare him pain, to spare them all. Chandler looked at her so sadly, it was as if his broken heart had risen up and lept out at her through his blue eyes._

_"For fucks sake Monica, if you love me at all, don't lie," he said in a low voice. He wasn't angry, just so hurt. She was crying now. The gang looked shocked and uncomfortable, staying silent and looking remarkably sober as they stared at the couple. _

_"I'm sorry Chandler," she said quietly. _

_"Did you just kiss him or did you go further?" he asked. She had to turn away from the pleading look in his eyes, he desperately wanted her to say she'd just kissed someone else, that she'd never even consider sleeping with anyone but him._

_"I'm sorry," she said again. She hated herself for causing him this much pain over a stupid one night stand with a stranger when she could have had Chandler's warm loving comfort._

_"Mon, please just tell me," he begged, longing for this nightmare to be over, so he could let her kiss away the demons, half hoping she would tell him it was just a joke, and he would laugh with her and hold her tightly and she would assure him she never had and never would cheat on him._

_"We had sex," she whispered, unable to meet Chandler's eyes. He didn't say anything. The gang's reaction was quicker and louder. _

_"Monica! How could you?!" Joey demanded, angry on behalf of his friend who was obviously too distraught to speak._

_"Oh my God Mon!" Rachel gasped, sinking into Ross's arms. Ross just stared incredulously at his sister._

_"Maybe we should give them some privacy," Phoebe suggested quietly, looking at Monica coldly. Chandler gave a slight nod, and they all rose silently and left the room. In the old days they would have lingered outside the door to listen to the fight they were sure would follow, but they realised this was too serious for eavesdropping, that Monica and Chandler deserved to be left to sort this out in private._

_"Oh Monica," Chandler said brokenly, several minutes after they were left alone. He pulled himself up onto the couch and reached over to pour himself a large vodka. He drank it all straightaway and poured another, which he left untouched as he looked at her, watching him from the floor, her eyes scared and sad. "Oh Monica," he said again, as if all other words escaped him in his misery. _

_"I'm sorry," she said uselessly._

_"How many times?" he asked, looking at his drink rather than at her tearful face._

_"Just once," she insisted, and he believed her, they'd gone this far down the road of hurt, there was no point in her trying to turn back by lying, and he knew she knew it._

_"Who?" he asked tonelessly. Monica blushed._

_"I don't know," she said. She didn't know whether he would be glad it was a stranger, a one time thing so he could distance himself from it, or if he would think she was a slut._

_"How can you not know? Were you raped?" he asked, half hopefully. If she had been raped, he would be hurt that she'd never told him, but grateful that she hadn't willingly betrayed him. Then he remembered the original question was whether she'd kissed anyone else, and his hopes sank. Monica shook her head._

_"I just met him in a bar, things kinda got out of hand," she said, sparing him the details._

_"Do you even know his name?"_

_"Why does it matter?" Monica asked, squirming._

_"You don't do you?" he said simply. "God Mon, I can't believe you risked everything to fuck a guy who's name you don't even know!" he sounded more angry than he had done, but his voice still pierced her heart with its sharp sadness._

_"I can't believe it either," she murmered. _

_"Why? We were happy Mon, why did you need to do that?" he asked, unable to grasp any understanding of why his wife, who he loved beyond belief even at this moment, would feel like she needed a stranger to take his place._

_"I was drunk," she said weakly, "I know its not an excuse, but it's the only one I have. We'd had a fight, I was drunk and stupid."_

_"Just leave me alone Mon. Tell the gang to go home, and leave me alone," he asked. She nodded sadly. She placed a tentative kiss on his forhead which made him shudder and that caused fresh tears to spring to her eyes, then she left the room, leaving Chandler to drown his sorrows in vodka._

* * * * *

*2015* 

Chandler found living in a house with two babies increadibly stressful. Not only did the babies seem to compete for attention, Monica and Gemma did too. Gemma felt like she had the advantage that James was older and could therefore do more than Monica and Chandler's daughter, who they had named Heather. Monica believed Heather had the advantage, since she was the baby of a married couple, and their fourth child. And of course, they each thought their child was the cutest. Chandler loved both children equally, he could never have picked one over the other. The mothers however… 

Monica had expected the birth of their child to bring her and Chandler closer together. It hadn't. Only a month after Heather's birth, she still couldn't have sex, her breasts ached from breastfeeding, her stomach wasn't as smooth and toned as it was before her pregnancy and she felt unattractive. When she'd given birth to the other children, it hadn't bothered her too much, because Chandler would always hold her and tell her she was gorgeous, even with leaking nipples and bags under her eyes. But now he rarely spent the night in her bed, prefering Gemma's company, even on the nights they didn't have sex. The one time Monica challenged him about it, he claimed it was because he needed to sleep and Heather was still at the waking up every couple of hours stage, whereas James woke up only a couple of times a night now.

Monica remembered uncomfortably that she'd caught Chandler leaning over Heather's crib when the baby was just a couple of weeks old. He was muttering to himself about whether her features were his or Monica's. She had realised then that Chandler still didn't trust her. No matter what he said, or even what he had really believed before the birth, she knew then that he was terrified that Heather wasn't his. She hadn't said anything to him, either at the time or later. But she tried to show him in little ways, that Heather really was his, by casually pointing out that she had his mouth and the same chubby cheeks Chandler had had as a baby.

Chandler hated the fact that the baby daughter he adored caused him so much agony. He knew Monica wasn't cheating on him, he knew Heather was his. But that tiny part of him that couldn't let him look at Chris without being reminded that Chris might not be his son, nagged at him that he and Monica weren't close or happy like they used to be, that he couldn't know she loved him too much to cheat on him anymore. 

Heather was seven weeks old. Chandler was sleeping in Monica's room for the first time since it was ok for them to have sex. Monica found she was nervous. She was lying in bed wearing a negligee, when Chandler came in. He had left Heather asleep in her crib in the living room. He smiled at Monica, and she saw he was almost as nervous as she was. He was sweet enough to not want to hurt her, or rush her, which was why he'd asked her earlier, bluntly if it was ok for them to have sex that night. She had agreed without thinking, because she couldn't bear the thought of rejecting him and having him turn to Gemma.

The sex was quick, and not at all passionate. It wasn't painful, but although she climaxed Monica felt somehow detatched from it all. Not only did Chandler's methodical and not at all tender approach turn her off, she had a strange sense that something awful was going to happen. She thought maybe it was just dread that this was what making love to Chandler was going to be like from now on, but she still insisited on putting on a robe and going to check on the kids before she went to sleep. Chandler groaned, he just wanted to fall asleep with his arms wrapped around her and breathing in the warm familiar smell of her. He knew the sex hadn't been good, and felt bad about it, but he supposed he still felt uncomfortable with her. 

He stayed in bed while Monica went into the children's bedrooms. He heard her tiptoe into the girls room, linger for a couple of minutes, probably tucking their duvets a little tighter around them and kissing them goodnight. Then Chandler heard her shut the door quietly and go into Chris's room. A couple of minutes later, he heard her footsteps on the stairs. He expected her to bring Heather up to their bedroom, rather than leave her alone downstairs, and he resigned himself to the fact that they wouldn't have sex again that night, or the next morning. He couldn't say he was upset about it, he thought they needed a little while to get used to each other's company alone without the pressure of knowing they both expected sex.

"Chandler?" Monica said quietly as she came into the room, carrying the baby.

"Yeah?"

"Its agess since she last took a feed, I'm gonna try and get her to have one before we go to bed, okay? That way she won't wake us up in an hour or so," Monica said. She gently tried to wake the baby, but Heather struggled to remain fast asleep. "Come on sweetie, wake up for Mommy," Monica cooed softly. Heather eventually opened her eyes and stared up at Monica, face scrunched up like she was going to cry. 

"You want me to hold her while you set the table?" Chandler asked, tiredly sitting up. Monica nodded her thanks and handed Heather to him. She sat on the bed and slipped off the robe. Chandler silently handed the fretting baby to her. Monica held her up to her breast, but Heather turned her face away and began to cry. "I don't think she's hungry," Chandler observed, sounded half annoyed, half amused.

"Chandler, I last fed her five hours ago, she's normally hungry after three, why isn't she hungry now?" Monica said, still trying to get Heather to latch onto her nipple.

"Maybe she's got a cold or something?" Chandler suggested. "Does she have a fever?" 

"She does feel a little warm," Monica said. "And she looks pale, don't you think?"

"Yeah, she does," Chandler said, noticing as soon as Moncia pointed it out. "And she sure is grumpy too!" he added as Heather changed her protesting sobs into loud high pitched wails. 

"God, I wish I'd just let her sleep now! I'm sure she would have let us know when she was hungry!" Monica sighed, giving up on trying to feed Heather, and settling for simply rocking her to try and get her to sleep, but Heather wouldn't stop her screaming, and Chandler was afraid it would wake everyone else in the house up before too long.

"Come on Mon, let me try," he said, holding his hands out for the baby.

"You think you can do better?" Monica snapped. Chandler ruffled her hair in apology. "You may as well try," she consented, handing him her daughter. Chandler rested Heather against his shoulder and rocked her while gently rubbing her back. He was rewarded for his care when Heather threw up down his back. He shudded, it felt horrible on his naked skin, and Heather's moaning cries in his ear were giving him a headache.

"Not funny!" Chandler said, catching Monica sniggering. "I'm gonna go take a shower."

"Okay," Monica said, taking back the screaming, miserable baby. "Okay, sweetie, what's the matter?" she asked, rocking the baby and hoping she wouldn't throw up again. 

When Chandler came back from his shower, Heather was still crying. He sighed. Monica was looking worried.

"Chandler, feel this," she said, offering him the baby.

"Don't throw up again missy," he warned Heather. "What am I feeling?" he asked.

"The top of her head." Chandler gently placed his hand on the top of her head. It felt strange, bulging slightly outwards.

"Something's wrong Mon," he said. "And she feels hotter than she did before."

"Oh God," Monica started to panic. At any other time, Chandler would have reassured her with a hug or kiss, but he was more concerned about Heather. He put her down gently on the bed and began to undress her. "Mon, turn the light on, I wanna get a proper look at her," he commanded. Shaking, Monica did as he asked. When she turned back to Heather, she screamed, which made Heather scream even louder. Chandler was as shocked as Monica. Their perfect baby girl was covered with a rash of dark red spots. 

"I'm gonna call an ambulance," Chandler said. He brushed past Monica who was standing still, trembling all over, tears running down her cheeks. He didn't even stop to comfort her, he was too scared himself. Heather's cries were louder than ever, and once the shock of the horrible rash had sunk in a little, Monica noticed the baby was scrunching her face up and turning it to the side. She turned the light off and the cries dulled to the same moaning they'd been all night. She picked the her up and tried to rock her to calm both of them, but being held only made Heather more agitated.

"The ambulance is on its way," Chandler said in a strange voice when he came back in. The operator had told him there was a chance Heather had meningitis, and that it was a good thing they hadn't waited till morning, or Heather could have been beyond saving. Chandler didn't relay that on to Monica, he didn't even mention meningitis, and she didn't ask, she was too distraught. "How come the light's off again?" he asked, afraid of the answer, the operator had given him a list of other symptoms to look out for, and dislike of light was one of them.

"It was upsetting her," Monica said tearfully. Chandler put his arms round his wife and hugged her. She leaned back against him as they stood watching their daughter, feeling helpless that they couldn't even hold her because it distressed her, that all they could do was wait for the ambulance.

* * * * *

_*2012*_

_Chandler didn't come up to bed. Monica wasn't surpsied, but she was still a little disappointed. She didn't sleep, she couldn't stop crying and wondering why the hell she ever thought anyone else could make her feel like Chandler did. She knew he loved her. If he hadn't loved her as much as he did, he wouldn't have looked so hurt, he would have been angry and jealous, but he wouldn't have looked at her with those blue eyes of his like all along he'd thought she was an angel, and now suddenly she was turning out to be the devil._

_She finally let herself sleep at five am, when she could hear faint snores from Chandler. She was awake just two hours later. Her first thought was that she wished she hadn't drunk so much last night, her head felt like all seven dwarves and a bunch of their friends were in there. She automatically looked for Chandler's sleeping body next to hers. As soon as she realised he wasn't there, everything came crashing back to her, making her head feel even worse._

_Stumbling downstairs, Monica felt like she was gonna throw up. Chandler was asleep on the couch, snoring loudly. He looked worse than she felt, probably because she knew he'd been drinking long after she left him. Monica fetched herself a glass of water and an alka seltzer as quietly as she could, but Chandler woke up anyway. _

_He would have been quite happy if his head had fallen off it felt so bad. He'd thrown up several times last night, but it hadn't stopped him drinking, and his mouth felt dry and tasted horrible. He followed Monica into the kitchen, his legs felt wobbly, and he sank onto a chair as soon as he got there. Silently, Monica handed him water and an alka seltzer as well. He accepted them without comment. Monica sat down as well, more because she was afraid if she didn't, she'd lose her balance completely, than because she wanted to talk to Chandler. _

_The phone rang and it sounded painfully loud and shrill to their sore heads. Monica hurried to answer it. It was Rachel. She explained that the gang had left and gone into the city to stay in a motel last night. She wanted to know how Monica and Chandler were._

_"How do you think?" Monica asked, impatiently. _

_"Bad?"_

_"Of course bad," Monica snapped. "How else would it be?"_

_"Sorry Mon, we're all just worried about you guys," Rachel said._

_"Sorry Rach, my head's killing me that's all. If you call again tomorrow we can talk properly," Monica said._

_"Ok, good luck Mon, I hope you guys manage to work things out," Rachel said._

_"Thanks, we'll need it," Monica said tiredly. She hung up without waiting for Rachel to say goodbye._

_"Who was it?" Chandler asked in a slow careful voice as if he was trying not to jar his head._

_"Rachel," Monica told him quietly. _

_"Of course, I shouldn't have expected them to stay out of our business," he said bitterly._

_"They just care," Monica reminded him softly._

_"I'm going up to bed," Chandler said. _

_"Okay, I might have a nap on the couch myself," Monica said. She knew Chandler wouldn't wanna be in the same room with her if he didn't have to be. _

_"Whatever," Chandler said, struggling to his feet and moving slowly into the hall and up the stairs. Monica waited till he'd stopped moving around, then fetched herself a blanket and pillow from Kimmy's bed and lay down on the couch._

_The original plan had been for the others to stay all weekend, so the kids wouldn't be home until after school on Monday. Monica was relieved she didn't have to deal with them right away, she needed to sleep off her hangover and then talk to Chandler. She was desperate to make him understand that she loved him and hated herself for hurting him. And she knew if the kids were around, he'd have a legitimate reason to avoid the subject under the pretense of not wanting to fight in front of the kids. _

_Chandler woke up around 3pm and felt awful. He was still wearing the clothes he'd worn yesterday and felt groggy from sleeping during the day. His hangover had lessened considerably and he was able to get up, have a shower and dress without the feeling he was going to faint. He moved slowly, the memory of last night a weight that pressed heavily down on him._

_Monica was still asleep when he ventured downstairs to get something to eat. He paused to watch her for a few minutes. She had been crying again, and he almost leaned down to kiss her tears away, when he remembered that he had been crying last night too, and that it was Monica's fault. But even while he was hurting and angry with her, he couldn't not notice how beautiful she was, even when she was unhappy. _

_The first thing Monica saw when she woke up was Chandler standing over her, watching her. He jumped back as soon as he realised she was awake and hurried into the kitchen. Monica closed her eyes and remained on the couch. _

_Chandler went into the kitchen, wiping his eyes. He was furious with himself for crying, and with her for affecting him so much without doing a thing. He made himself a cheese sandwich, not something Joey would have approved of, and ate it quickly in the kitchen. He was almost scared of venturing into the living room, knowing Monica would be there. For some reason he found himself making another sandwich, and putting it on a plate for her. He carried it through to her, and she looked surprised when he offered it to her._

_"Here," he said gruffly._

_"What?" she asked, wondering why he was making her a sandwich when he was still mad at her._

_"It's just a cheese sandwich Mon," he said, putting it down on the table in front of her, "I didn't even poison it."_

_"Thanks," she said, sitting up and reaching for it. Chandler sat in a chair opposite her and watched her slowly eat it. Chandler didn't say a word until she had finished and put the plate back onto the coffee table._

_"We need to talk," he said softly._

_"I know. Chandler, listen," Monica started._

_"Wait, I wanna say something first, ok?" Chandler said, he had known it would be hard and had spent the entire time she was eating bracing himself for it._

_"Go ahead," Monica said, wondering what was coming next. If he asked for a divorce she'd never forgive herself._

_"I love you so, so much Monica, so much it hurts. It kills me that you slept with someone else, I hate the thought of you kissing him, and touching him, being naked with him, letting him screw you," Chandler said, closing his eyes, unable to look at her as he spoke because the image of her with a faceless stranger kept threatening to take over his mind. "But goddamn it Mon, I love you too much to lose you over this." She breathed a sigh of relief. Her worst fear wasn't gonna come true then._

_"Thank God," she murmered. _

_"When was it Mon?" he asked softly, still with his eyes closed._

_"Years ago," she said quickly. _

_"How many?"_

_"Seven." Chandler considered this for a moment, then stealed himself to ask what felt like the most important question he'd ever asked anyone since he proposed to Monica._

_"Is there any chance, any chance at all, that Chris might not be my son?" he whispered, then drew back slightly, as if afraid of the answer. Not necessarily, he told himself. She might have already been pregnant, or it might have been months before Chris was conceived. Monica didn't answer for a long time. The wait nearly killed Chandler._

_"A tiny, tiny chance," she eventually confessed, tears spilling down her cheeks. _

_"Fuck," Chandler said softly, not at all angrily, just shocked and upset. He turned away from Monica and rested his head in his hands and cried. _

* * * * *

*2015*

Two days later, Heather was in the paediatric intensive care baby unit in hospital. Chandler and Monica hadn't left her side since they arrived at the hospital. The doctors had confirmed she did indeed have meningitis. The other kids, including James, had been tested and vaccinated. Gemma had too, as well as Chandler and Monica. Heather was hooked up to a ventilator and several monitors. She was on heavy antibiotics and sedatives, and there were no garauntees she would survive.

Sitting by their daughter's side, Chandler's arm was permenantly around Monica, both of them drawing comfort from the closeness. During the last two days, Chandler hadn't once thought of Gemma, his only concern was for his wife and their baby. Both he and Monica appeared to have ages years in just days. He hadn't shaved and neither of them had showered, changed their clothes or even brushed their hair. None of the basic, normal activities mattered when their daughter lay unconscious and critically ill. 

After a week of fighting for her life, Heather slipped quietly away. She was sedated until the end, so she wouldn't have been in any pain. Monica and Chandler felt all her pain for her. She was so tiny, and it seemed so unfair that she'd had to die. They were with her as she drew her last few shuddering breaths, watching how hard it was for her to breath, even with the ventilator. Monica had found herself almost wishing Heather would just give up, and let go. She hated herself for wishing her daughter would die, but the doctors had said there was nothing they could do for her, that it was almost inevitable that Heather wouldn't survive, even with the best medication and care they could give her. 

Monica turned to Chandler and just sobbed in his arms. He held her and cried into her hair. They stayed like that for a long time, without saying a word. There was no need for words. The sorrow and loss that they felt could never be expressed in words, and the only way they knew to share it and comfort each other was simply to cry together.

* * * * *

_*2012*_

_Monica waited, tears falling down her cheeks. She knew Chandler was crying too. She wished she didn't have to break his heart again like this, but she couldn't lie to him. _

_"Did you use protection with him?" Chandler stuggled to ask. Monica's silence, and her tears, were enough of an answer for him. "Oh Monica," he said, slumping further into his chair._

_"I'm so sorry, I told you I was drunk, I wasn't thinking straight," Monica said, "I'm sorry," she repeated._

_"Of course you weren't thinking straight. If you were thinking straight you would have come home and we'd have sorting whatever it was out and we wouldn't be here now," Chandler said bitterly._

_"I'm sorry," she whispered again._

_"We weren't using protection either were we?" Chandler asked, trying to get everything sorted out in his head._

_"No," Monica said. "We'd decided to try for another baby anyway."_

_"And you just had sex with this guy one time?" Chandler asked to clarify. Monica nodded. _

_"Do you want a paternity test?" she asked in a hoarse whisper._

_"No," Chandler answered after a few seconds. "Because if he isn't mine, then I'd never be able to forgive you, and I can't live with that. I'd rather have the doubt. I know a paternity test could confirm he is my son, but I couldn't bear it if it went the other way. I love Chris too much, and I love you too much."_

_"Oh Chandler," Monica said. She longed to reach out to him and hold him in her arms and promise him she loved him and would never, ever, ever do anything to hurt him ever again. But she knew he would pull away from her, and she couldn't bear that._

_"I hate this," he said suddenly, standing up and pacing around. "I hate this whole mess." _

TBC…


	4. chapter 4

**Have You Ever? (part 4)**

Thanks for the reviews. I don't own them this time either. Still no porn, sorry :( This part is dedicated to Sarah, we're gonna miss you next week :( You and your stupid life :p Sorry this part took so long, I had a few production problems with it.

*2015*

When Chandler and Monica arrived home, they were leaning heavily on one another and they seemed to be in their own little world of grief and broken dreams. Kimmy rushed up to them and immediately asked them about Heather. Chris and Holly had soon joined her, although Gemma remained on the couch, clutching James tightly to her.

"Heather's dead," Chandler said woodenly, not returning his older children's hugs and affection. His arm was around Monica, whose head drooped onto his shoulder. 

"Oh my God, I'm so sorry," Gemma said. She didn't like Monica, and she didn't like the fact that Chandler had had a baby with his wife while she had James. But for their baby to die so tragically young was not something even they deserved. The kids were all crying for their little sister now. Chandler could see their tears were overwhelming Monica and he hugged her hard.

"Mon, why don't you go up to bed," he suggested. He wasn't sure she even heard him, but she let him guide her towards the stairs. He led her up to the bedroom, because she felt so droopy he was afraid she'd fall down the stairs if he didn't keep a hold of her. Chandler put her to bed, and kissed her tenderly on the cheek. Monica looked at him and fresh tears formed in her eyes. "Shh, try to sleep," he whispered. "Do you want a sleeping pill or something?" Monica nodded, so Chandler fetched her one and a glass of water from the bathroom. She swallowed it quickly and lay down onto the pillow. Her face looked very pale, Chandler hoped she wasn't ill as well, but simply suffering from shock. 

"Love you," she murmered, grabbing at his hand as he turned to leave the room.

"Love you too," he replied, kissing the hand that reached out for his. "We'll get through this," he promised. He knew she didn't believe him, hell, he didn't believe himself. 

Monica sighed as she drifting into sleep, and Chandler laid her hand gently down on top of the duvet. He was just about to turn the light off and leave when Heather's crib caught his eye. Chandler choked back a sob and rushed out, unable to look at it any longer.

* * * * *

__

_*2012*_

_That evening, Monica and Chandler both wanted to go to bed early, but Monica was unsure what the sleeping arrangements would be. She thought Chandler probably wouldn't want to sleep in the same bed as her, but she didn't be the one to say it. When Chandler announced he was going to bed, Monica looked at him to tell her whether he wanted her to sleep on the couch again or whether she was allowed to join him. Chandler sighed. He wanted to forget last night ever happened, he just wanted to curl up in bed with his wife next to him, and make love to her, knowing he was the only one to have been that intimate with her since London._

_"Its up to you," he shrugged, passing the responsibilty onto her. It was, after all, her fault that they were in this situation in the first place._

_"Do you mind if I come with you?" she asked, fiddling with the bottom of her shirt._

_"Whatever," Chandler said. He was so confused! Part of him was glad, and reassured that despite what she'd done, Monica loved him. But he knew that how ever much he tried not to let it change the way he felt towards her, knowing that Monica had slept with someone else, even just for one night, totally changed the way he felt towards her._

_"Thank you," she said, reaching for his hand. Her heart sank as he flinched from her touch._

_"I just need time to think about this whole thing," he said, knowing his unavoidable flinch had upset her. _

_"I'm sorry, I know you do. Are you sure its ok if I sleep in the bedroom tonight? I don't mind staying on the couch again," she offered._

_"Mon, you can't sleep on the couch forever."_

_"I know, but one more night-"_

_"Won't make any different at all," Chandler finished for her. "I said I don't care if you sleep in the bedroom. If you wanna sleep on the couch, I'm not gonna stop you, but I don't see the point in it. Goodnight." _

* * * * * 

*2015*

It was two weeks since Heather's death. The house had taken on an atmosphere that made Chandler think he would rather be tap dancing on tables in Vegas with his dad than live there much longer. Monica was so depressed she rarely left her bedroom, the kids had picked up on it and were moody and miserable themselves. James' seemingly incessant crying made Monica's heart ache. Chandler would spend hours just holding James and thinking that no matter how much he loved his son, he wanted his daughter back as well. He was spending every single night with Monica, who needed him much more than Gemma ever would.

The two of them would lie in bed, arms around one another, unable to sleep for the noise of James crying in the next room and the sadness that Heather couldn't cry anymore. The only time Chandler cried was the night time, alone with Monica, she was the only one who understood what it was like to watch their baby die right before their eyes and be unable to do anything to help her.

"Can't she shut him up?" Monica snapped as James began crying yet again. Chandler knew Monica was jealous that her baby was dead while James was healthy and now the only baby in Chandler's life. She had never said aloud that she wished it had been the other way around, despite her hatred of Gemma, she couldn't bring herself to hate an innocent little baby, Chandler's baby.

"He knows no one else is happy and its upsetting him," Chandler told her, stroking her hair soothingly. They stayed silent as James' cries grew louder and louder, and they couldn't hear Gemma's tired voice trying to calm him down.

"How is she sleeping through that?!" Monica asked.

"Maybe I should go check on him," Chandler suggested carefully. Seeing the worried look in monica's eyes, he kissed her forehead, "I'll be right back," he promised. She smiled at him and let him go.

Chandler knocked on Gemma's bedroom door. When there was no answer, he went in. James lay in his crib, screaming and crying, his face red and scrunched up. Gemma's bed was empty. Chandler picked up the baby and rubbed his back gently. 

"Shhh, don't worry, Daddy's here now," he said comfortingly. "Now where's your mommy? Out partying?" he said, annoyed. Then he stopped. Gemma hadn't been out late since she'd been pregnant. She'd hardly been out at all since Heather's death. He wondered if it was really fair to assume Gemma was out having a good time, he knew she wouldn't have left her son alone without telling them. 

"Chandler?" Monica asked as he came back into the bedroom, carrying James, who was no just wimpering. Chandler had changed his diaper and he was comfortable in his father's arms. Monica backed away as if she was frightened of the baby.

"Gemma's not here," he said. Monica's eyes went wide in shock. "I don't know where she is, whether she's coming back or not, but this little guy can't be left all by himself." Monica was staring at James and for once Chandler had no idea what she was thinking. "If you'd rather, I can sleep in the other room with him, or he can sleep in here with us." 

"I guess he can stay here," Monica said with a deep breath. Chandler moved towards her, still holding James. Monica tensed as the baby approached, but she let Chandler kiss her lightly. James reached for her hair and Monica smiled sadly as his little hands grabbed at it. 

"Could you keep an eye on him while I got get him a bottle?" Chandler asked, moving James away, being careful to untangle him from Monica's hair, and put him down on the bed. "And I'll bring his crib in from the other room." Monica nodded. Chandler kissed her again, kissed James' cheek and left the room.

Now that he wasn't in anyone's arms, James began to fret again. His soft wimpers began to build up again. Without thinking about what she was doing, Monica slowly got out of bed and went round to the other side of the bed. She stroked James' head. He calmed a little at her soft touch. Monica carefully picked him up, longing to breath in the wonderful baby smell. Her breasts ached. In the last two weeks, her body had refused to believe that she didn't have a baby to breastfeed anymore, and everytime James cried for food, even though it was Gemma who fed him, Monica's nipples leaked and her breasts ached. She thought James must be able to smell her milk, as he was squirming and trying to get to her breast. 

"I can't sweetie, Daddy'll be here with a bottle in a minute," she whispered to him, tears falling down her cheeks, wishing she was holding Heather. James started to cry again and Monica rocked him desperately, willing him to calm down.

Chandler paused outside the bedroom door. He'd struggled to get the crib out of the door and down the hall to Monica's bedroom and he wondered if he should have got the bottle first, James was obviously hungry and he hoped his cries weren't upsetting Monica too much. Then the cries stopped. He went in, leaving the crib outside. To his surprise, Monica was breastfeeding James. She was crying, but looking at James tenderly and smiling, she didn't even see Chandler come in. 

"Oh Monica, I love you so much," Chandler said when James had had his fill and fallen asleep. Monica looked up, as if she'd forgotten Chandler was even in the house. 

"I'm sorry, he was-" she began to explain.

"Don't be sorry you idiot!" he said, moving to sit down on the bed next to her, careful not to disturb the sleeping baby. 

"I never noticed how beautiful he is," Monica said, looking at the baby. "I was too busy being angry. He looks just like you Chandler." He smiled and kissed her cheek. 

"Are you ok holding him till I wrestle that thing in here?" he asked, gesturing to the crib standing in the doorway.

"Sure," Monica agreed. 

Fifteen minutes later, the crib was in their room, James was in the crib and Monica and Chandler were sitting in bed. While he'd been back in Gemma's room, Chandler had found a note addressed to him. He'd opened it and shown it to Monica. It explained that Gemma felt she was too young to have a baby in the first place, and that she couldn't live with the current situation. She hated the atmosphere in the house anyway, and since Heather's death, it had been impossible to live with. So she'd left. She told Chandler she wanted him to have full custody of James with her blessing, and that she'd be staying with her mother, but not to call unless it was an emergancy.

"You think she means it?" Monica whispered, trying not to sound too happy about it, but unable to sound at all regretful.

"I dunno. I think so. I mean, things have been pretty bad lately, for all of us," he pointed out.

"We didn't leave though."

"I know. But she's only young Mon."

"I can't believe she didn't take James. I don't care how young she is, abandoning her child is wrong."

"You're very protective of him all of a sudden," Chandler teased gently. Monica shrugged and blushed. "You know, when I saw you feeding him, I think I fell in love with you all over again." Monica smiled and moved closer to him.

"I know we can't, you know, with him here," she whispered, "but I love you so much Chandler." He kissed her passionately. 

"He can sleep in Gemma's room tomorrow, so long as he doesn't pull another all night screaming session," Chandler said, his hand playing in Monica's hair. 

* * * * *

_*2013*_

_Things had been awful between Monica and Chandler for the last year. They didn't fight any more than they used to, but they acted distant towards one another, Chandler wouldn't make the effort to touch her as they sat on the couch together, in fact he would jump away if their hands accidentally brushed together. They still slept in the same bed, but kept well apart. Monica missed the feeling of falling asleep in Chandler's arms, but she knew if she mentioned anything to him, he would yell that it was her fault things were like this, not his._

_The rare times they did have sex, it was because Chandler was drunk. He got drunk more and more these days, it was a way for him to stop thinking about Monica. _

_They'd lost contact with the gang. They blamed Monica, and hadn't wanted to see her. Chandler didn't feel like seeing them either, so Chandler and Monica and their children had become isolated from everyone else and that made their problems seem magnified. Chandler found he could almost forgive Monica for cheating, although not for the chance that his son might not be his son after all. But he could not forgive her for lying to him for seven years. He didn't think that the secret had been gnawing away inside her for all that time, just that she had deliberately kept it from him._

_One weekend, Chandler went out straight after work on Friday and didn't come home until Monday lunchtime. Monica had been worried sick, and had spent the weekend promising the kids their Dad would be back soon, promises she didn't believe. _

_When Chandler came home, he was so hungover he could hardly walk straight. He looked a mess, wearing the clothes he'd worn to work on Friday which were now creased and marked with sweat and food stains. His stubble made him look older and tired than ever, and his uncombed hair added to the effect. _

_Monica helped him into a chair and went to get him a glass of water and an alka seltzer. She had gotten used to taking care of him when he was like this. She didn't like it, but did it anyway, telling herself it was because she didn't want her children to see him like this. She smelt the familiar smell of alcohol, smoke, sweat and cheap perfume and sighed. She knew Chandler slept with other women sometimes, and she felt like she was being stabbed everytime he came home smelling like perfume, he never bothered to pretend or come up with some elaborate story. He just didn't give her any explanation at all, knowing that she'd figure out the truth soon enough._

_"Stop fussing over me!" he snapped at her. Monica slammed the glass onto the table and stormed out of the room, shouting that she HADN'T been fussing as she went. Chandler sighed and lay back on the couch, his head thudding, knowing she was right and he shouldn't have bitten her head off when she was just being nice. Nicer than he deserved, if he was really honest. Ok, so she had done a bad thing, but he wasn't exactly being an angel himself at the moment. But he pushed that thought out of his mind. At least he wasn't making any attempt to hide it, at least he was being honest._

_* * * * *_

_It was 2 weeks later that Chandler brought her to live with them. He claimed she had nowhere else to stay. Her name was Helen, and she only lasted a week before she moved out. When Monica asked, Chandler said huffily that she'd found her own apartment._

_When Chandler went out all weekend and slept with women, Monica found it hard to bear, but she put up with it because she loved Chandler and she felt guilty about what she'd put him through. Chandler spending the week in the spare room with that slut he'd brought home had made Monica cry herself to sleep every night, even for a month afterwards. She hated Helen, she hated Chandler, she hated herself. _

_Chandler really hadn't brought Helen home just to spite Monica. He liked the twenty-three year old, she was funny and pretty. She mentioned with a look of wide eyed innocence that she needed a place to stay for a while, and being drunk, Chandler offered her his spare room. And since he and Monica had no sexual or romantic relationship, he'd slept in the spare room with Helen. But he had to admit, the fact that he knew it hurt Monica was an added bonus. _

_He ignored her and the kids. Kimmy's looks of hurt and anger were almost as bad as Monica's. Seeing Chris reminded Chandler of what Monica had done all those years ago, and just made him angrier. Holly was so innocent, but she didn't understand who Helen was or what she was doing in the house, or why her presence made Monica so unhappy. _

_On Helen's last night there, although Chandler didn't know it at the time, he'd left the spare room to go get some condoms. He looked in the bathroom, but there were none there. Helen refused to let him do anything without protection, so after searching the pockets of all his pants, and his wallet, Chandler reluctantly went into his and Monica's room. He was too horny to be put off by his wife's glares right then._

_"Chandler?" Monica asked as he went in. She blinked as he turned the light on and watched him rummage around in the bedside table. "What are you doing?" Glancing at her, Chandler could see she hadn't been asleep, she'd been crying._

_"Condoms," he said flatly. He tried not to look at her, hating to see her so unhappy, despite everything, her tears still got to him. Monica didn't answer, but he sensed she was just waiting for him to leave before she let herself burst into tears. "Some women are sensible enough to use protection when they sleep with men they don't wanna have children with," he said viciously. Monica stared at him, tears filling her big blue eyes, looking so small and hurt in the bed. Chandler had to stop himself crawling over and putting his arms around her. He knew if he did that he would kiss her cheeks until her tears were gone, and then he would kiss her lips, and then make love to her. _

_"Why'd you need her anyway?" Monica demanded, taking deep breaths to hold back the tears._

_"Because my wife's a slut," he said harshly, then, finding the condoms, he slammed the drawer shut and left her alone. _

* * * * *

*2015*

Chandler's arms wrapped around her, holding her tightly as they kissed passionately. They were alone in their bedroom at last, James was fed and dry, the other kids were in bed. Monica felt safe and loved with Chandler's arms around her and smiled as his kisses left her lips and trailed down her neck.

"I love you," she told him. 

"I love you too," he answered, pushing her shirt open so he could kiss her chest. 

They made love slowly, taking their time to enjoy each other's caresses. It seemed a very long time since they'd been like this together, loving, caring and tender. It was like it used to be. Monica was smiling as she fell asleep wrapped in Chandler's arms, feeling his warm breath on the back of her neck. 

In the morning, Monica would have liked to sleep in, but the kids made sure she was up and making them breakfast be seven thirty. She didn't mind. While she would have enjoyed spending hours just lying in bed with Chandler, talking and making love, they almost didn't need to anymore. He could tell her with a single look and an arm around her everything she needed to know. He loved her. 

_* * * * *_

_*2013*_

_Helen had left during the day, while Chandler was at work. Monica sat stiffly on the couch as the younger woman left with her bags. Neither of them said a word to each other. Chandler was furious when he came home and found a note from Helen on the bed in the spare room. He never told Monica what the note had said, and she didn't ask. She didn't care. She hoped that now things could get back to normal._

_It was the third night since Helen had left when Monica realised that things couldn't ever go back to how they used to be. Chandler had stayed out late drinking and by the time he came home, Monica was in bed. She was wide awake and still crying softly, but when she heard Chandler come in she hurridly wiped her face and rolled over with her back to Chandler's side of the bed, pretending to be asleep._

_"Monica, Mon, Monica!" he said loudly as he burst into the bedroom. She closed her eyes tight and ignored him, just hoping he wouldn't wake the kids. "Monica, are you awake?" he asked, getting onto the bed and shaking her shoulder clumsily. She sighed and gave up pretending. At least he was too drunk to notice she'd been crying._

_"Yeah," she said quietly, turning to face him._

_"I need to talk to you," he said. Chandler was trying to speak carefully and not slur his words, but the alcohol he'd drunk made it impossible. Besides, Monica could smell it on his breath._

_"Chandler, its late, I'm tired, you're drunk," she said, trying to put him off. She wasn't in the mood._

_"I'm not drunk," he argued._

_"Fine, you're not drunk. But I am tired, and its two in the morning," she sighed._

_"Please Mon," he begged, taking her hand and looking at her with tenderness. He sounded so much like the old Chandler that Monica gave in._

_"Ok. But lets go downstairs so we don't wake the kids," she said, swinging her legs out of bed. Chandler grinned and scrambled off the bed as well. He led the way downstairs, waiting for Monica to put a robe on over her nightie._

_She sat on the couch, her feet tucked under her, waiting for Chandler to explain what was so important they couldn't wait until the morning to discuss it. Chandler paced in front of her._

_"I was sat there tonight and a guy was sat next to me telling me about his dead wife. He showed me the scars on his wrists from where he'd tried to kill himself after she died. It made me think about us. Would I wanna die if I didn't have you?" he was talking quickly and Monica's head was reeling as she tried to take it in. Was he saying he didn't care if she died?_

_"Would you?" she whispered eventually. Chandler stopped pacing and sat down next to her on the couch. They faced each other and he held her hands._

_"Yes," he said hoarsely. "I hate the thought of being alone, of losing you. If I didn't love you so much, I wouldn't care about what you did so much that it made me like this. An asshole who doesn't appreciate what he has right in front of him because he's too busy trying to find reasons to hate her." Monica smiled. "I hate the thought that if you died now, you'd be unhappy and wouldn't know how much I love you." Chandler kissed her lovingly._

_"I don't know what else I can do to make you forgive me," she whispered, burrying her head against his shoulder._

_"You don't need to do anything," he assured her, rubbing her back._

_"If I don't need to do anything why do you go out getting drunk and sleeping with other women?" she asked, trying not to cry as she remembered Helen. Chandler considered for a moment, still rubbing her back soothingly._

_"Because I'm hurting Mon," he finally said._

_"I'm hurting too. I've been hurting for the last seven years," she told him softly._

_"I know, I know," he said. His fingertips brushed her cheek lightly then he leaned in to kiss her. Monica opened her mouth and his tongue thrust in to meet hers. Chandler pressed Monica body to his and kissed her hungrily. They made love on the couch, then Chandler carried Monica upstairs where they had sex again._

_It seemed so perfect. Monica allowed herself to believe Chandler had forgiven her at last. And for a few weeks, everything was fine. Chandler was sweet and affectionate and the sex was as increadible as it used to be. But as Monica discovered, it was too good to last._

_Chandler was paranoid about her cheating. Monica felt she deserved it, but his constant questions about where she was and who she was with annoyed her. She hated him treating her like an irresponsible teenager. Didn't he understood that she had been hurting too, that he had hurt her when he was with Helen, when he stayed out all weekend getting drunk and sleeping with other women? But Chandler seemed to think only Monica had done wrong._

_She had called a friend from the restaurant she used to work at. They'd kept in touch for several years after she left, but hadn't spoken for a year or two. Paul was totally gay, and was a great friend to all the women he worked with. Monica knew he would provide a comforting shoulder to cry on. She also knew Chandler wouldn't care that Paul was gay, he would chose to see it as her going on a date with another man, so she didn't tell him she was having lunch with Paul, she claimed she was shopping with a girlfriend. _

_The following day, she took the kids to see her parents. Chandler had to work and the Gellers still weren't keen on him, so he didn't go with them. He sat in his meeting and tried to concentrate on his boss and the facts and figures, but the image of Monica kept creeping in and pushing them out. At lunchtime, he called her to tell her he was going to take her out to dinner tonight. He knew she was out, but he left a message on the answerphone, so she wouldn't start dinner before he got home. He figured he might as well check to see if there were any other messages. _

_"Hey Mon, its Paul, yesterday was great, hope you're feeling better about everything. Give me a call when you get home. Bye."_

_Chandler listened to the message four times. He couldn't believe it. He couldn't believe Monica would cheat on him and that her bastard boyfriend would call the house and leave a message. He skipped his afternoon meeting and went home to try and figure it out. The part of him that had been angry and hurt when he found out what she'd done so long ago wanted to belive she was cheating on him again, that she didn't love him at all. But the part that adored Monica knew she wouldn't do that again, they'd both been through hell because of it before. _

_Once home, he listened to the message two more times. The voice sounded casual and friendly, not like a lover calling his girlfriend. But then again, Paul probably knew Monica was married and wouldn't want to sound to suspicious in case her husband heard the message. But then why would he call in the first place? Chandler was frustrated by his lack of understanding, and tried to call Monica on her mobile. _

_"Hello?" she answered after a few rings. She wondered why Chandler was calling, and hoped nothing was wrong._

_"I need to talk to you," he said awkwardly. _

_"Chandler, we can talk later," she said impatiently._

_"Yeah, I know. Will you ask your parents to babysit tonight?"_

_Monica frowned. Either Chandler wanted to take her out or have a romantic evening at home with her, or he thought they were gonna fight and didn't want the kids to hear it. Judging from his tone of voice, it would be the latter._

_"Um, I guess so. Chander, what's wrong?" she said warily._

_"I'll explain later," he said and hung up. Monica rolled her eyes and told her mother Chandler wanted to take her out and could they babysit. There was no way she was going to tell her mother the truth and have her lay into her for fighting with her husband. Judy overlooked Ross's three divorces and pounced on Monica every time she heard she and Chandler had had the smallest fight._

_Monica came home to find Chandler sat at the kitchen table, a bottle of beer in his hand. He glared at her as she came in. Monica ignored him and got herself a glass of water. _

_"Who's Paul?" he asked as soon as she sat down opposite him. She almost laughed. She should have guessed that's what this was about._

_"A friend from the restaurant, we kept in touch after I left," she said nonchalently._

_"A friend?" he asked mockingly._

_"Yes. A friend. You know, someone you have a good time with but without the sex." She was annoyed that he was overreacting so much and couldn't help being sarcastic._

_"Come on Monica, don't lie to me!" he shouted. _

_"Chandler, his boyfriend doesn't like him having sex with other people," she said calmly. Chandler was shocked. He had been so consumed with jealously that he hadn't thought of the possibility that Monica and this guy really were just friends._

_"What?"_

_"Paul's gay. Not that I can't be friends with straight guys without leaping into bed with them."_

_"Ahem, we were friends first," he pointed out._

_"Uh huh. And I was friends with Joey too."_

_"Maybe you slept with him too."_

_"Oh for God's sake Chandler!"_

_"Ok, so I guess you're not sleeping with Paul."_

_"No, I'm not. I'm glad you realised that."_

_"But you still lied to me about where you were going yesterday," he pointed out._

_"I'm sorry, I just knew you'd take it the wrong way."_

_"How the fuck am I supposed to take it when some guy calls and says what a great time he had with you yesterday?!"_

_"I'm sorry Chandler," she said, reaching across the table to touch his hand. He jerked back but when she tried again he let her._

_"I was gonna have a romantic night with you tonight too," he sai sadly. She got up and went to stand behind him so she could hug him._

_"I'm sorry it upset you, and I'm sorry I didn't tell you," she said._

_"I guess I did overreact a little, huh?" he said, turning to look at her. Se giggled._

_"Just a little," she teased._

_"How long are the kids gonna be at your parent's house for?" he asked._

_"I said we wouldn't wanna wake them so they're there until nine o'clock tomorrow morning. You know, we still have time for that romantic evening," she siad, raising an eyebrow sexily. "I mean, if you still want to."_

_"I guess I can be persuaded into that," he grinned. This was more like it used to be, recovering quickly from their fights, and he had a feeling the making up was gonna be just as much fun as it used to be too._

TBC…


	5. chapter 5

**Have You Ever (part 5)**

Long time no see for this fic, huh? Sorry about that guys, but at least you've had Reality is Wrong from me recently! Which will hopefully be updated and finished soon. Anyway, I had a request to finish this fic, so I'm gonna try and wrap everything up in this part. Forgive me for the long absence, reread the previous chapters if you want to remember what the hell is going on. Please leave a review when you're done. 

_I don't own the characters, except the kids and Gemma, who are all mine so there :p _

_This part is dedicated to DMG, who I've been married to for a whole year now :-) _

_*2014*_

_Their happiness had been to good to last. For several months, Chandler and Monica had their old, loving relationship back. The kids seemed happier and settled. But beneath the surface of a happy couple, the old jealousy bubbled away. Chandler and Monica were both constantly afraid the other was cheating or was going to cheat, but were both to afraid of possible consequences of raising the issue, so they both kept quiet. _

_Chris came home from school one day, bursting with excitement, but refused to tell Monica or his sisters why he was in such a good mood. Kimmy rolled her eyes and said she knew anyway, since she was at the same school, but a glare from Chris and a whispered warning from her mother kept her quiet. Monica was extremely curious as to what was going on, but if she allowed Kimmy to steal Chris' moment and reveal the secret, the argument that followed would be hell. While Monica cooked dinner, Chris played happily with Holly, being unusually co-operative in his small sister's games and following her bizarre rules without his usual complaints. _

_"Dad!" Chris shouted as soon as he heard the front door slam shut, announcing Chandler's return. Holly looked annoyed as Chris jumped up to greet him, knocking over her carefully arranged tea party. _

_"Hey," Chandler said, looking uncomfortable as Chris hugged him enthusiastically. Chandler had tried so hard to put everything behind him, but sometimes seeing Chris he couldn't help but wonder if he really was his son. _

_"Dinner's ready! Kids, go wash your hands," Monica called from the kitchen, before Chris had a chance to share his news. Grumbling, all three kids did as they were told. _

_"Do I have to wash my hands too, or can I steal a taste now?" Chandler teased, wandering into the kitchen._

_"You have to wash your hands too," Monica told him._

_"But I wanna taste now," he whined._

_"Chandler," Monica started, exasperated. She turned round and Chandler silenced her by kissing her. She relaxed into the kiss and was as disappointed as Chandler when they heard various disgusted noises from their kids._

_"I got my taste," Chandler said, grinning at her, before quickly washing his hands and sitting down with the kids. _

_"Do you guys have to do that?" Kimmy complained._

_"Yes, or else we get so horny-" Chandler started to say, but Monica hit him on the shoulder._

_"Do not start a sex discussion at the dinner table with a five year old present!" she told him. _

_"Ugh, parents and sex," Kimmy muttered. Monica chuckled and sat down._

_"Can I tell him now?" Chris asked impatiently, before anyone had a chance to eat a mouthful._

_"Tell him what?" Chandler asked. _

_"There's this father son camping trip from school,  next month, every boy in my class is going, will you come?" Chris burst out excitedly._

_"Father son camping trip?" Monica asked "Isn't that a bit sexist?" _

_"Please Dad!" Chris said, ignoring Monica._

_"I don't know if I'll be able to take time off work," Chandler said nervously._

_"But Da-ad, everyone else is going," Chris whined._

_"The girls aren't," Kimmy pointed out. This led to an argument between Chris and Kimmy that led to them both being deprived of dessert, and storming off to their bedrooms to sulk. Holly ate quickly in silence and Monica looked at Chandler curiously, but didn't want to discuss it while Holly was there. _

_Later, when all the kids were in bed, Monica approached Chandler._

_"Chris would really love it if you went you know," she said casually._

_"Like I said, I have to work."_

_"Since when do you care so much about your work?" _

_"Since we had three kids to support."_

_"We've had three kids for five years now, and you've always managed to take time off for things like this before," Monica pointed out, trying to stay tactful._

_"Yeah well," Chandler said, clearly not interested in prolonging the conversation._

_"I know camping isn't really your thing, but come on, a macho guys weekend for the two of you will be good for both of you," Monica said, trying a different line._

_"I hate camping, you know that. Chris will probably hate it too and whine and whinge the entire time," Chandler said grumpily._

_"How do you know? And I don't think it'll be PROPER camping, not with a dozen or so kids and their fathers. And Chris is less likely to be a brat with all his friends there."_

_"Would you drop it? I can't go, I don't want to go, that's the end of it. If you're so worried, take him yourself."_

_"It's a FATHER and son trip, not a MOTHER and son trip," Monica said, gritting her teeth to remain calm._

_"Get a sex change operation then, look Mon, I'm tired, I'm stressed, I don't need you bugging me about this all evening."_

_"Fine, just give me a good reason why you won't go."_

_"Haven't I already given you several?"_

_"No, you've given me several crappy reasons."_

_"So put them all together and try and make a good reason out of them."_

_"Fine, Chandler, don't go, but YOU are going to explain to your son why you won't go, YOU can get the tears and the begging and the sulking, because I have done my best, but I am officially giving up."_

_When the weekend of the planned camping trip arrived, Chandler made sure he was out of the house as much as possible. Chris was moody and glared at his father at every opportunity. Monica tried to be sympathetic, but she was annoyed at Chandler and a whiney eight year old was wearing on her nerves by Sunday afternoon._

_"Mo-om, I'm bo-ored," Chris said, loitering in the kitchen while she tried to sort out the cupboards and throw out some of the stuff that was either out of date or that no one actually liked anymore. _

_"Go play with your sisters," she recommended._

_"They're stupid. They're stupid girls."_

_"Call one of your friends then."_

_"I can't, they're all CAMPING with their FATHERS!" Chris shouted. Realising her mistake, Monica shut the cupboards and sighed._

_"I'm sure your Dad would have loved to go, but he's busy at work right now," she said, vowing to have words with Chandler later, but for now, she had to comfort her son._

_"He took a whole day off for Kimmy's gymnastic tournament last month, what's changed since then?"_

_"I don't know, we'll ask him when he gets home shall we?" she suggested. Hopefully if Chris was there, he could do the shouting and she would be able to restrain herself._

_"He took a WEEK off when Holly was ill," Chris went on, ignoring her._

_"I know, but that was cause I couldn't take time off and someone had to stay home with your sister, he had no choice." Monica couldn't see why she was defending her husband. She was on Chris's side, but she felt like she would be a bad mother if she let her son go on feeling like this._

_"When I was ill and you had to work I had to go to Grandma's!" Chris screamed. Monica sighed. He was right. She was normally the one who had to stay home when the kids were ill, she always had been. But Holly had been ill just after she'd been off ill for a week herself with the same thing, and when Chris was ill, she had to fill in for one of the other chefs who was on vacation._

_"Sweetie, I'm sorry ok, trust me, I tried my best to get your Dad to take you, I'm sorry you didn't get to go, but we'll talk to him when he home ok? Maybe he'll take you camping some other weekend," Monica offered, hugging Chris. She thought grimly that Chandler had better make it up to Chris or he would have her to deal with. Chris let Monica hug him and snuggled closer to her. _

_"Hello?" Chandler called as he came in a couple of hours later. Monica was on the couch with her arm around Chris, Kimmy in the arm chair and Holly playing snap with her teddy bear on the floor, while they watched TV together. Kimmy looked up and smiled at her Dad, then went back to the TV show. Holly got up and ran to Chandler, who scooped her up and hugged her. Holly tried to drag him over to play snap with her, but Chandler looked curiously at the two on the couch. "Hey Mon, hi Chris," he said. Monica glared at him, Chris leaned closer to his mother and refused to look at Chandler._

_"Why'd you go to work on a Sunday Dad?" Kimmy asked. _

_"I had to finish a project we're working on," Chandler said. Chris made a disbelieving huff. _

_"You never work on Sundays," Holly observed, settling back to her game on her own._

_"Yeah, you never work on Sundays," Monica echoed._

_"Mon, can we talk?" Chandler asked with a sigh._

_"Jeez Dad, what'd you do now?" Kimmy asked._

_"Don't ask me, ask your mother," he said._

_"Holly, Kimmy, would you go to your rooms please?" Monica asked. _

_"Mom, it's the middle of the show!" Kimmy complained. _

_"And it's the middle of my game!" Holly protested._

_"Please girls, Chris and I need to talk to your Dad," Monica said calmly. Seeing the look on her face, Kimmy and Holly went off to their rooms, grumbling to each other, but only quietly._

_"If this is about that stupid camping trip," Chandler sighed._

_"Its not stupid!" Chris insisted._

_"I'm sorry Chris, I couldn't go, I was really busy at work. I'll make it up to you I promise."_

_"Will you take me camping next weekend?" Chris asked hopefully. Chandler looked at Monica but she was determined to remain quiet and her face told him nothing of what she was feeling, although he could guess she was mad at him._

_"I can't," Chandler said. Chris sighed and looked like he was going to cry._

_"Why not?"_

_"I just can't!" Chandler shouted. Monica raised an eyebrow at him to tell him he had no right to over react like that, but he ignored her. _

_"I hate you! I wish you weren't my Dad!" Chris shouted, and slammed out of the room. Monica sighed. Chandler glared at her and punched the wall near where he was standing._

_"I suppose you promised I'd take him camping to make up for it," he snarled._

_"I said you might," she admitted. "I didn't promise anything, certainly not for next weekend."_

_"Why do you even care so much?" Chandler demanded._

_"Because my son was upset because his father apparently doesn't want to spend any time with him."_

_Chandler sighed. "I never said that, I had to work, that's all."_

_"So then taking him some other weekend should be no problem."_

_"For God's sake Monica, will you just leave me be? I don't want to go camping, with Chris or without Chris, this weekend, next weekend or ANY weekend! I'll take him swimming or something on my next day off, will that make you happy?"_

_"Its not about making me happy! Its about making CHRIS happy!"_

_"And you get no pleasure whatsoever from turning the kids against me?" Chandler said sarcastically. _

_"Of course not! You think I like having to defend you when I agree with him?"_

_"Then why'd you do it?"_

_"Because you're his Dad! And whether or not I agree with the way you handled this, I don't want him to think you don't love him."_

_"Why?"_

_"What?"_

_"Why are you so keen to protect him from thinking I don't love him?"_

_Monica was shocked. "Because he's my son and I love him, and I happen to think children's relationships with their father are important. And I know you do love him, and that whatever the hell is going on in your head over this, you do love him."_

_"How can I take him to a father son camping trip when I don't even know if I AM his father!?" Chandler said suddenly, as if answering a question Monica hadn't asked._

_"What?" she said quietly._

_"I know we've been good for a few months, and I know I love him, you're right about that. But everything is WEIRD Monica! I can't hug him or do typical father son things with him without thinking about how maybe I'm the wrong person to be doing this!"_

_"Oh Chandler," Monica said softly. "I'm sorry."_

_"Look, I said I forgave you for cheating, ok? I do, I promise you, I do. But please don't ask me to get over the whole thing. With you, sure, fine, we both did stupid things, we're adults, we got over them."_

_"Eventually," Monica inserted._

_"Yeah, eventually. We hurt each other, but we're over that right?" Monica nodded. "But I cannot forget Mon. I can forgive but not forget. I can't forget that you cheated. I can't forget that Chris might not be my son."_

_"He is!"_

_"Don't lets have this argument again, please. The chance is there, you know it is." Monica hung her head. _

_"Look, a paternity test-"_

_"No!"_

_"Ok, ok! I understand you don't want that, but if you're gonna live with the tiny, tiny doubt, then please, don't let it hurt Chris. Its not his fault I did what I did."_

_"I try Mon, its just hard."_

_"I know it is sweetie. But you know, you're his DAD, ok? Even if you weren't his father, which you are, but even if you weren't, you're the one who raised him. You're the one who watched him learn to walk and talk and did all the things Dads do. In the end, how important are genetics, really?"_

_"They're important because they symbolise everything that went wrong for our marriage!"_

_Monica didn't know what to say to that. _

_"Don't push me into forcing my relationship with Chris," Chandler said. "All it accomplishes is dragging up everything that we've spend months trying to put behind us."_

* * * * *

*2015*

It was 6 weeks since Gemma left. Despite the usual stresses of life with a small baby, not to mention 3 older children, Chandler and Monica were happy. They were careful to constantly express their love and affection for one another, much to the disgust of their children. When they made love, it was more loving caresses and embraces than passionate animal sex. They had explained to the kids that Gemma had left for good, and that James would be staying with them. Without Gemma there, the kids had for some reason become much more helpful with their half brother. 

"Mon," Chandler whispered one morning. They had woken up early out of habit, and although James was silent, they were both expecting him to start crying at any minute, so couldn't relax enough to sleep.

"Yeah?" she whispered back, rolling over to face him.

"Do you think we can get a babysitter tonight?" 

"Probably, why?" she asked smiling.

"Wait and see," he teased her.

"You know I don't like surprises," she protested.

"Who should we call? You parents?" he continued.

"No, Mom will need hours of explanations about James, unless you just want to leave the older ones there."

"No, no, I want to get rid of the whole brood for a night," he joked.

"Ok, well then we'll need to call Ross and Rachel or something."

"We haven't seen them in a long time Chandler, they'll need explanations too." Monica sighed. "But they won't be as overtly critical as my Mom."

The long awaited sound of James crying disturbed them, and Chandler got up to see to him without too much ritual complaining. Monica was glad that James was bottle-fed, because unlike with her own children, it meant Chandler could do just as much of the feeding. She lay back in bed when she heard James quieten, meaning Chandler had started feeding him. 

That evening, Rachel came by to pick up the kids. She hugged both Monica and Chandler and exclaimed over how much older the kids looked since she'd last seen them over a year ago. Kimmy rolled her eyes at this; she was already annoyed at having to have a babysitter at all. Rachel gushed suitably over James, and was hurried out, with plenty of diapers, bottles, changes of clothes etc. The older kids said goodbye to their parents and trailed out after Rachel. Despite Rachel's curious looks, Monica didn't tell her anymore than the bare essentials, although she promised to call her and explain in detail sometime soon. 

"So what did you want me on my own for?" Monica turned to Chandler and asked the minute the front door was closed. He chuckled.

"Patience my dear, patience," he teased her. "Now, do you want pizza or Chinese food?"

Half an hour later, they were sitting in the kitchen together, with cartons of Chinese food spread between them on the table. Chandler still hadn't told Monica what was going on, and she was becoming impatient.

"You can be as stubborn as me sometimes, you know that?" she complained.

"I'll take that as a compliment," he grinned.

"If you don't tell me what's going on, I'm not putting out tonight," she threatened.

"Thank God! I'm sick of having sex!" Chandler joked. "Relax Mon, I'll tell you when we've finished dinner."

After dinner, they sat together on the couch, Monica resting her legs on Chandler's lap and enjoying him gently stroking her thigh. Chandler was suddenly nervous. Maybe he shouldn't bring this up while they were having such a nice evening alone together. He knew if he didn't Monica would bug him about it endlessly, but he thought he could prevent that by making love to her. He decided to just do it before he lost his nerve.

"I've been thinking," he said suddenly, breaking the comfortable silence that had developed. "About Chris."

"Monica looked at him closely. "What about Chris?" she asked warily. Surely he wouldn't have gone to the trouble of this evening if he had just wanted to grill her again over the chance of him not being Chris's father, but what else could it be that was so important?

"Look, I don't want us to fight tonight Mon." She sighed. "Listen to me, I'm not trying to pick a fight, or dig up the past, because there's no point, it just goes round in painful circles endlessly. But I want to try and put a stop to that."

"How?"

He took a deep breath. "I want a paternity test."

"But you always said you didn't want that!" Monica said.

"I know, I know. But I'm sick of this hanging over us."

"What are we gonna tell Chris?"

"Nothing. At least not until we know the result."

"And what then?"

"I don't know Mon. Ever since you told me what happened, I've gone over in my head about what if he turned out not to be my son, and I don't know how I'd feel about it, or how I'd react. But I have to know Mon. I thought not knowing would be easier, cause it couldn't confirm my worst fear, but I'm hoping it'll confirm what you've always said, that Chris is my son."

"Ok," Monica said. "If that's what you want."

"Thank you. Are you ok with that?"

"Sure. I mean, you have a right to know, either way," she said slowly.

"You don't sound very ok," Chandler observed. He felt so relieved to have gotten it off his chest that he felt unreasonably hopeful and happy.

"Its your choice Chandler," Monica said, trying to force herself to smile.

"I'm not trying to make things hard for you," Chandler said, pulling her up and onto his lap so he could hug her.

"No, I know."

"Are you scared?" he asked. Monica just shrugged and let him hold her. Chandler stroked her hair as they sat quietly together. 

* * * * *

_*2014*_

_The day Chandler brought Gemma home, Monica wondered what the hell was wrong with her marriage. They had been HAPPY, for God's sake! Sure, they fought sometimes, but so did every couple! Looking back, she could see however, that every fight somehow worked its way back to her one night of infidelity, even stupid little fights about whose turn it was to do the dishes managed to roam and find some connection, however small and irrelevant. _

_"Chandler?" she asked in a small hurt voice as her husband led the young woman to the guest room. He stood still for a moment until Gemma gave him a strange look and he went on with her. Monica stared after them. _

* * * * *

*2015*

Having decided to have a paternity test, Chandler and Monica told Chris he needed a blood test. The doctor who performed it had told them that it wasn't a good idea to keep kids in the dark in situations like this, but couldn't tell Chris himself because of legal reasons. While they waited for the test results, they were both anxious and edgy, but trying not to let it show, so Chris wouldn't worry that he was ill or anything. Monica distracted herself by phoning Rachel and filling her in on everything that had happened. Chandler felt himself squirm with embarrassment at some of what she said, but he couldn't deny it was true. In fact, Monica didn't tell Rachel a lot of the worst things, for which he was infinitely grateful. 

Monica was out shopping with Rachel as another distraction when the doctor called. Chandler answered casually. He had been deeply engrossed in a game of monopoly with the older kids, while James watched from his baby seat, squealing as Kimmy lost spectacularly to Holly. 

"Hello, Chandler Bing speaking," Chandler answered, telling the kids to keep it down to no avail.

"Mr Bing? This is Dr Parry."

"Oh right," he said, trying to maintain his casual tone, although his mouth was suddenly dry and his hands shook.

"I have your son's test results."

"Yeah, I figured that's why you were calling," Chandler said, while thinking desperately 'get on with it, tell me, just get it over with'.

When Monica got home she found the kids had been packed off to her parents for the night and wouldn't be back until the following day. She was surprised, until Chandler took her into the kitchen, where he had set up a romantic meal for two, although it was only pizza warming in the oven. 

"What's going on?" Monica asked, after Chandler had kissed her hard.

"The doctor called."

"I take it from all of this that you are his Dad?" 

"Yes!" Chandler said happily. Monica grinned at him, feeling a weight lift off her shoulders that had been there for years. Chandler grinned back at her and hugged her hard. 

"I'm glad," she said, kissing him.

"I wish I'd done this when I first found out, it would have prevented a lot of heartache."

"But its over now, right?"

"I hope so."

THE END

Ok, so this part wasn't really worth the long wait, but at least I finished this series! Please leave a review, constructive criticism is welcome.


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